Sunday, February 15, 2015

Losing My Mind

after losing something else,
and someone else

but it's not a loss if you give it a way.

I made it home.  I was cold, and needed to return to my residence quickly, though I lost myself along the way.  The paved sidewalks cutting out and switching sides, the sand, construction...led me a good mile away.  I'm glad I was the first to return, not like there was a contest, but I'm glad Gary didn't return from work before my haste to go out on a brisk walk, i inadvertently left the gate open.  Surely if Gary were to have come home, to both my cars in the drive, the house locked, but the gate flopping about, his concerns would have gone on high least that's someone.

funny how my course would direct me to the one place she found comfort in...a place, i wouldn't think of going on my own unless i had been asked or forced to go...rarely do i make the quest on my own...

i did my best not to just walk into the ocean.

i'm conversing with myself...aloud.

I'm going quite insane, and it's all in my brain.

pain changes people.

I want to call..I want to do something..but I can't..I just sit and stare at the idle messages...waiting for some sort of acknowledgement, let alone them to be seen.

I want to know she's ok...i know her...and that's what scares me.

it's 2008 all over again.  I was right then...lord let me be wrong now.

looking over the last nonsensical periods...she's drunk

The Killer's Mr Brightside starts playing in my head.

active. messages not read.

it's midnight here, 2am there...the bars are just closing...i need some sign of life...something that will allow me to rest easy..something to put my mind at ease.  I've already lost my appetite for the steak I was to make hours ago..don't make me lost sleep now too

I wish I could drink...I wish I could just erase this with every swig from the you are doing.

if this is how i was supposed to feel for the relationship, there's no way anybody would be able to live like this.

but I remember...she did.  she stayed up those sleepless nights, waiting on a call or text from me.  even when it wasn't said, it's what she wanted always...and it makes sense now. too much sense. and feeling like this, is not a feeling anybody should have to go through.  this is hell. i wouldn't wish this upon my worst enemy.  i think my heart is racing, though i can't even feel it beat...i can't feel anything but a sinking feeling in my, well now, stomach.

she replies.  it's short, three punctuation.  I quickly reply, trying to keep her on...the line?with me? there? but she goes back to idle...nothing....nothing....

and that's the last i hear from her.

until 330am...home.

I've made a huge mistake.

Me: I'm probably freaking out about nothing...
E: (without knowing the situation) when have you ever been wrong?

Me: fuuuuuuuuck

Monday, February 09, 2015

Like A Bandaid

once you start
don't stop

just rip it all at once

Maybe i'm thinking about pringles, "once you pop, you can't stop" either one works i suppose.  back to back posts, that's something we haven't seen in...too lazy to look it up.  Funny thing, I actually typed "too busy" instead of lazy...yeah, even my subconscious wants to make up excuses at this point.

I'm hoping if I type everything out that's in my head, it'll be clear enough for me to sleep.  But the more I type, the more I want to if there's a constant amount of shit that needs to be filled in my head - and anytime one thing departs, another takes it's place.  Like my mind is some sort of weird nightclub where they are at capacity..and people can only get in if other people leave..or if they are on the guestlist...and right now, feelings of selfworth, defeat, and grieve are considered VIPs.

i'm taking on a new role..i'm taking the blame for my situation.  I've always said i am my own undoing, words never rang truer today.  i'm a horrible person - solidified by someone who's opinion of my i hold dear.  i've always wanted to believe in the propaganda that i was a good person..maybe i wanted to believe it more than i wanted others to believe it...maybe it was a front i pushed in hopes of actually becoming something i wasn't...but for the better.

to say i messed up is an understatement.  i knew i messed up, but i kept going, i kept things going, i kept trying and believing....kept trying in making something out of nothing at all...but my supply of air must have run out tonight. that my dirty laundry is being aired out, things can only look up from here, right?

"this is shit, isn't it?"

Sunday, February 08, 2015

Cold Turkey


cold like the wood floors of this house...

I want a drink right now...i haven't had a drink in over a month because of this new diet plan...but it's not lack of's not the addiction that makes it a's because i need one right about now.

I laid in bed all day Saturday - correction...I laid in bed with minor breaks to use the bathroom or to make food.  My day consisted of not wanting to be awake, too tired to keep my eyes open, but the moment they closed too many thoughts running kept me awake.  It was torture.  At 10pm I made a steak..a steak, and just that.  At 11pm, I made a fire in the fireplace.  At midnight I made two s'mores. At 1am I went back to sleep.

Sunday wasn't any better, except i did leave the house...among other things.

My first post of the first post in forever.  i wrote an email earlier today, and it stung of lack of focus.  I have had several updates i wanted to post this year already, but, like always, i put them off...because if you put things off, those feelings go away too.

and just like that this post is over.  I've got a lot of work to do...a lot of work.

"just keep helicoptering..."

Tuesday, April 29, 2014



that's a horrible pun

so, as many of you have no idea, I'm going to a few hours.  I am going to spend my R&R there.  R&R is essentially the government realizing that making you work every single day, for a year straight, away from friends, and family, and everything normal, in a weird country surrounded by sand, is just not cool.  So they "compensate" you by flying you to wherever you want to go, and fly you back.  15 days off to do as you wish (within reason I suppose).  Most people fly back to the states, which is nice and all...but logistically's dumb.  Think about it.  You're going to fly over 24 hours, to try and get readjusted to the ass-backward time frame..and by the time you get used to it all, it's another 24 hours flight back to where you left a fortnight ago...Plus, it's the States..I've been there, granted I haven't been everywhere, but..I'm on the other side of the world..I'm going to take advantage of that.

So that brings me to India.  Now, granted I probably could have planned it a little better...I didn't realize the Visa process while being deployed would be as grueling as it was.  Also to note, I am traveling in May, which is an off-season for travel due to the intense heat.  Crap.

But, what makes me write this post, is not to brag about whatever...but rather...because I'm actually nervous.  Never before have I ever taken a real vacation...not since I was a child I suppose.  I mean, I've taken time off of work, "vacation days" to visit friends and across the those things..but it wasn't necessarily new places with crazy fun itineraries.  This is different, this is real travel.

The last time I took a vacation was in January of 2008.  My best friend and I went to Disneyworld - partially because I had never been there and he wanted to fulfill that dream for/with me.  I believe it was one week or so..staying with his grandparents...driving a mustang the dream.

I've been to foreign countries..South Korea, though for work, was a lovely experience I and would very much like to visit again; whether for work or personal business.  But, still, there's a piece of me that is scared of going through with this...for whatever reason.  Sure I've been planning this for months on end.  And sure I had a travel agency map out the best itineraries.  And sure every thing is covered, from hotels to ground transportation to tours...

but..I don't know...this is a new world for's everything I've ever wanted to do...and now..I'm doing it.

“The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” 

Thursday, March 20, 2014


not the band, 
something a lot better


I remember a time, not too long ago as  I can still remember it very well, when two young people moved with each other in unison.  Despite being on opposite coasts, a three hour time difference, and opposite schedules; they were still one.

It wasn't the first time I noticed it with this person, but for whatever reason, August clearly showed on a day-to-day basis our togetherness.  Though many miles apart we would always be thinking of each other at the same time; and no that's not just some whimsical 'in love' comment, what happened in August (and noticed from then on) painted a different picture for what we really were.

The most significant evidence was displayed late in the night/early morning, after both of us had said our goodnights and fallen asleep.  Something, in those hours would wake one, then the other...and since we were awake we couldn't help but think of one another, and so a text would be sent; just as the other was thinking of/composing their own to send.  This happened more oft than not, a majority of the days in the week.  And it wasn't the same time every night.  And it wasn't the same person to send the message first. No.  It was always different, always changing, except the fact that they were one; they were connected in some way.

That time in my life will always stick out to me for the sheer fact coincidence can be ruled out.  And even though that was years ago, and both parties have drifted apart, nothing has been able to break that connection to this day...

Now you're probably saying to yourself, "oh come on, you can't be serious...." and you're entitled to that opinion..and you know how I love my conspiracy theories and over-analyze things and just dig and dig, but hear me out...

As I mention, those parties have drifted apart it's been too long since real contact was made - an actual conversation - but something of course has sparked my attention.  Even though we haven't stayed in touch, or are connected through any sort of social media forums, every now-and-then she crosses my mind.  (I think it to be perfectly natural as someone that was apart of your life for any significant time would as well)   It may happen in the middle of the day, it may come up in conversation, it may be because she co-starred in a dream...whatever the case may be, she has been manifested.

I continue about my day, thinking nothing is out of the ordinary, of the various scenarios happens.  Maybe I'll get an email about my blog, and it has the hit reports...and then that's when I'll see (what I strongly believe to be) she has visited my blog on that day, or so, from when I was thinking about her.  Or maybe for whatever reason I'll sign off the computer and log into my phone...I'll see a snapchat sent the day I was thinking about her.  Or maybe, if I'm really into self-deprivation, I'll take a look at some random social media she has and notice a picture change on the day I was thinking about her.

I mean, I'll be honest and say, I'm not constantly creeping on or checking these things out.  These are not daily occurrences.  These happen every once in awhile, and at first, I took little notice..maybe chalked it up to happenstance, like calling heads on a coin-flip and getting it right.  But as these instances happened more and more, what I would have called serendipity, now would have that level bumped up.

You may still call it whatever you will, but I know where I stand.  And let me testify that this is not some sort of love 'death rattle', a post where I bleed my heart onto the screen, pining for a love that is no hopes of getting back together with the undertones of 'we were meant to be'. No.  While I state and stand by being connected with someone special, this is not a pity cry.  I do think we still have a connection, yes.  I do think about her, yes.  I do miss her, yes.  Those are just facts, to me.

I just wanted to share this with you.  Facts or coincidence, either way I'm alright ma.

"when coincidence is common place, it is no longer coincidence..."

Friday, February 07, 2014


Give up, or
give 4 more?

that will be the question

I'm over the half-way mark of my (first) enlistment.  The recruiters got me good for I am in a 5-year contract instead of the standard four.  The MC tries to justify the longer contracts based off MOS schooling - if you're in school for a year, that's one less year you have to spend in the fleet, and since they are spending all this time and money on you, they want to make sure they get their four.

Well, truth of the matter is, my school was 30 days.  Justification?  None what-so-ever other than its the MC screwing people at all costs.  I did not know better at the time -  wasn't young and dumb, I just thought that's how it was, I didn't know I could negotiate with the government (for one last time).

So I am stuck in my 5 year contract, in an overly populated MOS, that for some reason they continue to push people into, even though our Jr ranks are almost at 300% capacity...

I'm not a fan of this job - it bores me.  Sure it's an easy desk job, in the heart of the's cushy, it's safe, it's behind a's the complete opposite of anything you'd think MC (i.e. grunts).

But where it lacks in 'hard work' it makes up in stupidity.

In order to get this MOS you have to have one of the highest GT scores in the MC - that means we are all smart people.  Yet, higher ups still treat us as if we just came from the special-ed third grade.  No trust, no awareness, no understanding.  To make matters worse, with the influx of people being pushed into this job, and those who joined/lat moved at the height of the war and ranked up really fast and now refuse to leave because they are up to such ranks; there is little to no promotions.

Smart people are already disgruntled, the MC says let's make them more disgruntled...

Nothing is more disconcerting than being on a deployment with people from a different shop, that you are working side by side with, who are chasing a cutting score in the 1500s...These folk are getting furious that 'if they would have done all their MCIs they would have the 20 extra points to pick up to Cpl at 1570" HOLY FUCK...I think my first composite score was around that score...

but here I am, 2 years after picking up E3, and with a composite score of 1700 I finally pick up...If my MOS isn't closed out, the cutting score is extremely high.

I remember before I picked up, having to take orders from E4s from other shops that picked up with cutting scores that were a joke.  I understand that I am older, and I've made piece with taking orders from younger people...however, where I draw the line is taking orders from someone who has been in the MC less time than I have..and the only reason they have is a higher rank is they either sucked someone off, or their MOS is a joke.

So one may ask, why not lat-move yourself when you go to re-enlist?  If I were to re-enlist, this would be my path...but, the first question remains..will I?

Since I'm over the half-way mark, I have to set my sights on what's the next hurdle - Feb 12, 2016.  That is my EAS date..either the last day I am owned by the government, or time to renew their lease on me.  As this is a year deployment, by the time I return back to my home duty station, I'll have a year left on my contract and that will be the time I'll either be putting in my package to re-enlist, or jumping through all the hoops in order to get out.

I have stated my future in the MC really depends on this deployment - some will say I cannot base deployments or the MC on this "deployment", but, when it's all I have seen, then yes, yes I can.

I've given the MC and my command years of my service and time to 'prove me another way', and they have failed to do so.  I've been lied to time and time again.  I've been backstabbed, I've had rumors spread about me, all by people who are supposed to take a grenade for me - honestly, I'd rather have the gay and short Bruno Mars have my back.

I've stated one thing that will make or break the decision will be if I get into Afghanistan or not.  In 2012 when I MEF deployed, they already had their crew who would be going out.  We were told they would do 6 and out, and others (myself) would replace give everyone a chance to go.  That never happened.  Then an opportunity arose for one person to go out for about 6 months at the end of it all.  Once again I was looked over and some other douche was sent to go for some reason.

So then, as the next cycle for 2014 came up, those who were looked over and never got the chance were first in line to go this time.  As the time grew closer to chop forward and cease stepping foot in the rear office, we all were getting excited...but excitement would turn into frustration soon enough.  There was a Sgt they wanted to throw into the mix.  Their reasoning was "he's never had a deployment and we want him to be more competitive for SSgt" - and that meant he would take my place.  I did not like this.  But then there were two people were removed from the group - both on shady accounts.  One person was going through a divorce and that was their justification, the other was coming off BCP (he was fat), so they got the ax.  This allowed me to retain a place...except things would be rearranged.

I got bumped from Afghan to Kuwait, losing out an all that, a secondary rate deployment in anyone's minds.  Happy to still be going somewhere, I figured I'd be able to wiggle my way into a country that is a stone's throw away.  The last missing spot would be another "interesting" choice.   Out of everyone that was left in the office, they selected the one person who hadn't been doing the actual job..the one person who just got in from the schoolhouse...the one person who didn't know anything....the one person who wore makeup and could take a dick.

Those in charge would sit back and try to justify taking the girl to everyone around, but we're not stupid...we knew they wanted eye candy, we knew it wasn't any of the hundred reasons they would spout's because she was a woman...and she would get that spot in afghan, not me...

Well, it gets even more interesting...that Sgt ended up getting selected for when the Monitor found out he was a Staff Select filling a billet for a Sgt, he got removed from the deployment - my original fucking spot - but by then it was too late to move me back over, since kuwait and afghan deployed at different times.  So that spot ended up getting filled by a Cpl from a lower group, who just picked up Cpl a couple months before me - has been in since '09, and is EAS'ing this year...

yes, because that makes sense...have the shitbag nco who is getting out halfway through the deployment get to go on the deployment...

Getting to Afghan won't make me re-enlist, but not getting into Afghan will definitely make it a zero percent chance for me to do so.  I'm not a fucking "ribbon chaser", but it's the last time in who knows how long anybody will get a campaign ribbon.  And the MC is a pissing contest, we all know that.  And for someone to say "it doesn't matter the stack that's on your chest" is feeding you bullshit.

So basically, if I don't get into Afghan, 0% chance of re-enlistment
If I do get into Afghan, 5% chance of re-enlistment...

that's where we are...looks like I'm over it.

"so you're saying there's a chance..."

Saturday, February 01, 2014



And how much does it cost?

It's a weird feeling, knowing that you've been writing, yet going to your home page and seeing zero posts for 2014.  So, have I been writing?  What exactly have I been doing this entire month?

Well, I have been writing, just different forums and projects...but of course nothing you can see on here.  Looking back and realizing this, this must have been the cause for my drought in the past - focusing my writing energy in various places other than in this blog.  Ranting on facebook, trolling, and side "homework" projects have consumed my time and efforts, leaving this in the dust.

But I don't want it to be like that.

This here blog has been with me for over a decade now and I will continue to use it as an outlet for my creative genius...whether some think so or not.

Many people have tried to silence me in the past, I won't let myself be one of them.

I've been thinking about adding some of my better troll posts on here, so you all can get a laugh, see something updated and new, and not have my post count sit at zero.  It's a work in progress and maybe i'll try a few to test the waters..

So that's what has been going on in my world.  I'm alive.  I'm writing.  Just need to recenter myself and focus in on here.  I realize I can't be in a million places at once, and if you spread genius out too thin, it is no longer genius but a flimsy average crust.

"you's be trollin!"

Friday, January 31, 2014

Love Song



Often I get asked if I write poetry, to which of course I answer 'no'; and then I'm told I should.  I write here, as I always will..and whether it be short stories, rants, or "poems" I just consider it my blog...nothing more, just me writing.  I don't put labels on them as to what they are..and my internet actions and texts may be worthy of something noting, but these are different moments.

I wish I could combine all those elements and make a love song, but I feel as if everything that could be said has been said, and I'd just steal lines from other artists in my quest.

The Cataracs "Love Song" is, right now, my number one love song to go to. With lyrics like: 
"Then I wake up from my dream
Woah had you on my mind for a long time
Can't get you out of my head, giving me head
So whats a man to do, except confront his love and tell you what I plan to do
Yes I'm gonna win you over, I got the four leaf clover
My task is to smash like the game is red rover"

who could compete with that?

Maybe I need to get back in the game, however I feel as if there's an age (experience) limit on things in life, and falling in love (love in the raw) has passed.

"When I met you dawg you were not the kind to get involved with any joe blow trying to get in your drawers"

Tuesday, December 31, 2013

2013 Year



It's that time of the year again, time to look back on all that occurred; the good, the bad, the whatever...Honestly, this may take me a bit of trouble as nothing too monumental seems to be jumping off the top of mind for the year.

January opened up the new year and I was living with Gary in, what really was, our dream spot for Cali.  I remember that first half of the year I struggled to keep my finances afloat because Gary could not keep track of his.  Paying for almost the entirety of the rent and add-ons I was forced to take cut-backs in my personal life...drawing out from my stocks, not taking trips like I had planned to do.

But that didn't stop a man that was nearly five-thousand dollars in debt to me. Paying for tanning (in california), private volleyball lessons, wetsuits, flights, amoung other random activities...His frivolous lifestyle and refusal to grow up, take responsibility, and not live the life for more than 2 minutes would ultimately be our dream's demise.

After consulting with our land lord we decided with all the bad events taking place at the condo - management singling us out for any "violation" they could come up with - we had decided to move out in May.  Gary for once took initiative and went out looking for apartments for us. He viewed some, reported back to me with eager eyes, but within 24 hours the mood would take a 180.  He came back to me telling me he took his old job back, and would be moving back to Indiana.

So all plans were scrapped and I was off to fend for myself.  Coincidence or happen chance played a big part and I was able to find a place to live - a coworker had a master bedroom available, with a garage, in a place close to where I first lived out here.  Everything fell into place, and I moved out mid-May.

Over the summer, I was able to cross off some things from my bucket list.  The San Diego County Fair opened and I was apart of the color detail.  This got me free admission for the day and some vendor vouchers.  So after the ceremony I left to return in the evening, where I would watch The Beach Boys live in concert.  It was a free show, and they still rocked.  It was just a cool experience to see people I grew up listening to and watching on Full House.

Right before that though I did see one of my favorite bands of all time (all time) in a very long day up in Anaheim.  What started in the morning with free tickets to the Angels Vs White Sox game (that I would scam to upgrade for better seats), would later turn into walking across the street to The Rolling Stones concert in the evening.  Of course then and there my luck with scalpers took its first blow.  The night would end with going to some random club and 'partying' with the band.

Other events that happened were two trips to the CG in Beverly Hills, the second to correct the first time's deficiency.  Saw Ashley Simpson perform in Chicago, also saw Kanye in concert in October, Moving Units and Hypercrush in November.

Made an impromptu trip to Indy in October to watch one of my friends from the Region get married.  I had realized I hadn't taken any trips up to that point this year, and I was tired of missing all my friends weddings for whatever lame reason..all that, and the fact I wouldn't be around much longer pushed me to take the trip.

Oh, yeah, I found out in July, confirmed yet not confirmed I would be deploying come next year.  Well, it bounced around, the slots were moved, my position from Afghanistan to Kuwait got jumbled around, and even when we thought everything was settled, we found out that the dates of January/February didn't apply to people going to Kuwait...Our date was in November...before Thanksgiving, before the Michigan/OSU game in Ann Arbor..before any holiday....

So once again, November would come to fuck me; this time, it was known in advanced, like knowing when you would be executed.

These details changed everything for me in 2014.  I used this an excuse to send the girl that was living with me back to where she came from, and I spent the remainder of my time reclusing. (it's a word, I made it up, deal with it)

So once again, for the fifth time in my life, I packed up everything and put it into storage - though since I never unpacked, it was all still sitting in the garage.  The period from September 2012 to May 2013 would be the first time since 2003 that I did not have anything in storage.  Less than a year.

My former bedside companion (I really need to get her a name) helped assist me in the moving process, and road with me all the way out to my grandparents, where I would store my car and say my goodbyes after a few days.  Then it was up to Chicago, though nothing was planned - i.e. movie, sporting event, anything like that - we were going to just be apart of the city.

The time in the city was wonderful - I think it was the longest time I've spent in the city since 2007.  From there it was off to Dallas for a couple days, back to Indy for two more, then over to Cali.

The final days in the states were nothing special.  I spent my time off work finishing the last classes I had, and spent many hours in P'Bread completing my last projects for the class.  In an odd way, it was like 2009/2010 all over again, but I was ok with that.

The vehicle that I thought propelled love, but only set me back was a symbol of something I'm sure, as it happened on your anniversary.

Mid-November the small group of us deployed to Kuwait, which is where I am now and will be for another year or so.  Nothing happens here.  We work every day, luckily me and my counterpart only work 8 hour shifts currently...but, it's like Groundhog's Day...same thing, day in, day out.

We went to The Avenues mall in Kuwait City on Thanksgiving, but haven't been back since, even though we tried to organize a trip on Christmas Day to treat ourselves.  Made two trips to the Embassy, one of those being tonight, New Year's.  It's one of the few places you can drink in this country, since it is a dry country....however that craziness works.

But that was my year. I don't expect much from 2014 either...

"it's not what happened, it's what didn't happen"

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Merry Christmas

wait that's Hawaiian


I was under the impression we were getting the day off, the impression obviously wasn't that impactful on the higher ups....Instead we are the only ones in the office today.  I had hoped to go to the mall, another chance to get off base, a chance to go Xmas shopping for ourselves..but no, none of that either.  

So as I enter the chowhall in my work uniform, my eyes scan the sea of civies...sigh, I should be joining in with the masses, but alas, I have to work.  There's not many open spaces to sit, as half the normal seating area has been sectioned off for cakes, carving displays, and of course, Kuwaity Santa.

I find a table with a few empty spaces and some other service members in uniform too; I pick this table to try and blend in.  (For the record, or desert, ran cammies versus the army light green cammies..yeah, not much to 'blend' in there)

Little did I know, but I sat down right between the two-star Army General and the Army Command Sergeant Major..go me.  I didn't realize this until well into my meal in fact.  At one point during my meal, I saw a group of people taking pictures with a two-star at the opposite end of the table.  I didn't think too much of it, thought it was kinda random and cool to see a two-star in the non-vip section of the chowhall, and continued eating..then I noticed him walking over my way.  My eyes kept in pursuit as I gobbled down some more stuffing.  He made a pass behind me and onto the other side, where he pulled out a chair and sat..where he had been this entire time.  

This mother fucker had been sitting next to me the entire time and I hadn't the slightest clue.  It wasn't too much longer before he sparked conversation with me, asking me where I was from and wishing me a merry christmas as well.  I would have continued, but my meal was finished, exchanged another round of 'merry christmas'es and left, noting the rank of the gentlemen that was sitting on my right.

It's not every day you can say you inadvertently had lunch with the two-star.

"'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the base, not a creature was stirring, except MCC-K"