Wednesday, February 19, 2003

Don't Spin in Circles, the Outcome is Never for the Better

Ok, the title, as you can always tell, is the way I'm feeling about my life. In general, spinning in circles, loosing control of your life, only has bad results. I don' know what's going on, expecially anymore. Once agian my sleep patterns have gone all out of whack, i slept through my 8 to 4 at ALCO today, yet fell asleep at 11 last night so go figure. it wasn't even a comfortable sleep, all the lights were on, noises of my computer were humming, and i was fully cloathed with no covers on me. I should have at least woke up at 4 like normal, just dazed and confused as to what was going on. My last thoughts were trying to set my alarm for the morning, well we see how far that got. During my rest my dreams were really fucked up, basically likea preview of what is happenning today, and maybe days to come. I remember holding conversations with people while i laid in bed, but i know thses people did not come visit me, but it felt so real and normal, so i had to be dreaming that up. Also my personality has been changing, and not for te better. \i am once agian that irritable, looses temper way to easily type of person i was not too long ago. I thought i was growing out of tha, or maybe it would eventually go away, or maybe i was more content because i had a girlfriend, who knows. but it's back like a plague. | have been finding myself just loosing it over random things, i get so fucking pissed off, then just go off in a furry of violent actions. That's totally not cool, but i can't help myself. I get so mad i'm about to bust out in tears from holding back, and when it's about to let go, i lash out in violence. Why do people have to be such fuckers? I don't like what i'm turning into, andi know everyone else isn't going to either. Last night i wanted to turn down going out for the evening, but i was coerced into going; and as i arrived at the meeting place of ALCO i had the shittiest look on my face. Everyone kept asking me if i was severly pissed off or something, they knew someting was wrong, as did i, but what was the question. god, it'd terrible having this feeling, and there's nothing i can do, and pope can only aggitate me further. i think the only person who might know what i'm like when i'm like this would be Vince, god only knows how he bared me then, i guess it's like elizabeth with him now, who knows. I am rambling terribley, but you can see i'm really starting to loose it, i think i ned to have a path, a destination in order to keep my sanity, i'm typnig so fast right now i don't even know what my thoughts are anymore. on the bright side Barcus gave me a pack of blue camels, hell yes. ok that is all for now, thanks all for you time...

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