Sunday, February 09, 2003

The WeekEND to End all Weeks to come

Ok so that leads us into the weekend...I woke up some time and was getting ready for work at ALCO, I gave the homed brooke a call to see how things were. Needless to say she made it short and i told her to call me back at the astore, she refused, so i said i would call her then. Well around 3 or so i get a call from her, i was uncertian of the plans and told her i had also forgot about the fact that i was oreinting a new person tonight and i'd call her back 6ish with any updates. So then comes 630, i was trying to watch the clock, but ou know how that is, you watch and watch, and it seems your checking it every 2minutes, and then when the times comes for you to check it, it's already way too late, well that's exactly what happened here. i noticed it was 630 and as i glanced into the food aisle, i had to take a second look, because there in the flesh stood my marvelous beauty brooke. i was astonished, but felt terrible becausei knew she was there because i missed the call. I hugged her, and though she hugged me back for only 3 seconds, i still enjoyed it. I asked donna if it would be ok to leave, telling her i may be back by the end of the night, and then we headed off to merrillville. On the way up I had her listen to my Rolling Stones Symphany CD, i think she liked it. At one point during the drive i wanted to hold her hand, but she had them nestled away and all i got was the sleeve of her coat. We walked aaround the mall, but not too soon into it i went to place my hand on her back, just a hand on her back,,not a wrap around or anything, and she turned to me, and with this disgusted voice said, "Jason" and like my hand feel, i sunk into depression. Too shocked to know what happened, tears did stream from my face, though nobody noticed. I was ruined at that very insistance, there was no reason for me to be there, just to give her a ride to merrillville and back, i was as worthless as any other guy walking around her. She got her cinnabons and freezed coffee drink, and her and my body went to best buy, while my heart stayed ripped into pieces on the floor for not only her, but everyone else to walk on and trample. She picked out some movie i never heard of and we went home, as much as i would have loved to talk to her, she wasn't the same person i used to be able to talk to. My brain was to frozen in shock and fear that it remained in it's corner, questioning everything that it once held to be true. If you would have asked me at that point what two plus two was, i would came up with many answers that i felt very uncertain about, and in the end said, what does it matter, we'll all be dead some day. As we exited the car back at aloc she seemed happy, and even initiated the hug with me, i replied softly in her ear, " don't take the fact that i still want to be with you to get whatever you want from me." That statement crushed her, maybe not as much as her statement of "Jason" did to me. She weeped into me, and i carried her over to her car. I appologized for being so cruel and then kissed her on the cheek. I don't know what impulsed me to do so, but i wanted to, and amidst the uncertianity and longing to the kiss itself reminded me of the first time i kissed her..back in the little theater. Just the, not sloppiness, but the nervousness? or something, it just seemed the same. She left and i went back to alco then target to finsih my night.
I found out Sunday that the hand on back, and i'm sure the kiss as well, made her feel uncomfortable and she wasn't gonig to put herself through it just to make me happy for 20 seconds, quoted from her. She also stated how if i can't handle just being friends that she was gonig to remove herself out of my life fully. I can't loose her, even if we just have to be friends, i wouldn't be able to handle it. But she seemed so apt to just ending it right there and then it hurt me, the fact that she could do that. I don't know if there's somethign i'm missing, or what. thisi s such a big thing, yet it isn't to her. why why why, what, i want to know where it went wrong. I'm not allowed to talk about "us" anymore, i can't bring up us, or what happened with her any more if i ever want to speak wit her for as long as i live. apparently this is tramatizing her, and i'm hurting her. So confused, but must throw these feelings away like garbage, along with the questions. It's like we're covering up the alien crash in roswell - some say it happened, those who lived during it, well they aren't alive which one was i talking about???

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