Friday, March 14, 2003

I've counted my eggs before they hatched and put them into one basket....basically i'm fucked

just when you, well actually i, think times are rough, some kick to the groin comes along to make things worse. My 23 day count down is nearing and coming in with even greater a bang now. my mother has come to the conclusion that we just can't afford paying the house every month, and so now she's in a predicament. So i'm guessing by the time my countdown will be up, so will our stay here at 634 apache lan. she's torn on what to do; either move back in with my grandparents and give up the dogs, or move down to missourri, and she wants to do neither. The first one i understand, living with my grandparents, in a small small trailer, living with my granparents, wouldn't be onlnie, living with my granparents, loosing the dogs, and living with my granparents. the second offer i'm not sure why she's turning that down, who knows. Looks like i'm going to have to be aggressive and got on the ball with nancy so that we can seal the deal on a house and i'll be able to extend my long term problems with a short term solution. well i've always been 'fraid of changes *the hershey bar, unchanged since 1899*, and yeah i did build my life around you; all hopes, dreams, desires, which is a way to show love, yet so worng when it doesn't work out. think about that, when yo love someone you have to "prove" it, not really prove, but you understand what i'm saying, by opening upyour heart, extending yourself out for them, and hopefully becoming one...well if during the chemical interaction someting screws up such as disagreements, some other person walks into their life, the openness just allows a massive destruction of he wrongeds inner self and feelings. you have to give your heart every time you fall in love, or think you've fallen in love, and just pray that they feel the same about you, always....god this rambling is too incoherant for even me, i'm sorry. i'm also sorry that i've bothered you with my presence, if you want to be friends, that's fine, i'll have to treat you just like my other friends as well, and that would be a lot different..maybe you could be my best friend and then things would stay the same..ahh who knows, i'm sorry. speaking of'd have to steal from me, steal all sorts of things, whether it be money, time, ideas, whathave you, just steal and take all that i live around from me. when you build up your life on the small things, it's easy for stupid fuckers to fuck with your life, just mess with the little things, details, perfection, idas, whatever..but to get back at a person who beleives big things are the way of life you got to fuck with their big things, whcih usually ends up in a crime or something of the sorts....vandalizing thier homes, cars, whatever, asualt and battery, and in some cases, murder. yeah, you see when you fuck with people who like living with all the attention on small things, and you yourself are a big beleiver, we know how to fuck with you just takes the willing/crazy/ all, don't fuck with us, leave us be, it's like we're the geeks of highschool or some shit, you get all this enjoyment out of torturing our lives because it is so easy...well you know what, fuck you! I'll get mine don't you worry...sorry, got off onto another tangent. well basically, i forgot most of what i wanted to say now, agian, this always happens, maybe i should write some shit down...hmmm...well though my future actions will seem like i'm escaping everything, and everyone, in reality i'm just escaping from me...and that will be all that was me, around me, and yeah, everything...but i need to do this.....just as she has left me.....i'm starting anew, it's over...i give up...goodbye

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