Monday, March 24, 2003

What Have I Done???

Ok, so the funny thing with this blog and title itself has change drastically over the 20 hour period that i have been thinking about blogging. so work was, well work, sunday at alco, get some sleep seeings how i didn't get any the night prior due to circumstances i'll explain later, then off to target...wherein i got sent home after first break for having massive "panic/anxiety attacks". in all i was over, heavily breathing, about to snap and ball at any moment in the backroom, my legs grew numb, then i kinda passed out, but not really. they tried giving me some water, but i couldn't swallow the shit, it hurt to breathe, yet i felt i had to at a tremendously fast rate, my lungs started to hurt, among other cavities in my chest. they let me out of the building but i was in no condition to drive, so i did the next best thing, i balled my eyes out til i passed out from all the overexhurtion.when i came to i drove around, tried to think about things, nothing really helped, i made it home at 730 or so. why you ask am i, jason angus, telling you about something i would wish not to tell, a character flaw, an infalbility amoungst myself, probably because i lost the person who i normally would tell these things to. so what happened you ask? it all goes back to just a couple days ago, brooke and i seemed to be getting close, not bf/gf, but best friend close, maybe with some love added in there, but things were getting really good between us, and i was becoming happier. so we're telling each other everything, and she has something to tell me, she says i won't like it and so forth, what it is i don't know, but she thinks i'll hate her for it, but i tried telling her before, i could never hate her, no matter what she did, i will always love her. so admist the story telling, whcih she never get very far, she turned the tables and asked me a question, it was time to fuss up, yes i did lie to her about whom i talked to about us while i was at michigan. as i said before, i didn't like the fact that i lied to her, but at the time it seemed to be the only possible thing to do, it didn't seem like the situation was a big deal, not as if i lied to her about sleeping with someone or any other huge thing, but apparently this was a HUGE thing to her, i didn't realize it, i fucked up. it hurt me each time she asked about it, and i came close several times to confessing, i just couldn't keep lying to her. and even during this past week i had thpught about bringing up that little lie to her, and coming clean, i hoped that this would be a good thing to do, being honest and upfront about everything all the time, i was hoping toconnect with her more. she eosn't trust me anymore, she doesn't want to talk to me, all her love towards me has vanished, i killed anything that could have been us...but i love her, i honestly do, can't you tell by what my heart is bleeding unto this screen that i do...i mean i'd do anything for her, she's my princess, i didn't want to lie to her anymore. and now she feels as thoguh she can't tell me this thing/story of hers.i don't care what it is, i'm not going to get mad baby, just please talk to me. i know you read this blog, at least i think you still do. please forgive me, i'm sorry...."I don't mean to suggest that I loved you the best, I can't keep track of each fallen robin"...i had something that hurt you, not tell me the thing that will hurt me, and it will make things even, right? i mean i'm aboe to look past it, though i don't know what it is, i love you, and i want ot be wit you more than anything...i know you've told me right now isn't a good time for you, you don't want a boyfriend, you just want a friend, and i know i don't understand that because, baby, it's us, dating me is like what we've been doing for the past 2 monthes we haven't been dating, we talk every night, i come down to visit you, i sleep in the meijer's parking lot while it snows for you, i rearrange my schedule to make it we can be together, i planned this weekend getaway to chicago for you, and i still accountable only to you, and that's the way it's always gonig to be. i can't loose tell me that to love you is to let you go, but to let you go is to let me die. i want you to keep focused on your studies, of course, i want you to succeed in everything you do, and i want ot be the guy standing next to you watching you accomplish those things. i know we can do it together...i don't know what else to say right now, i love you, i'm sorry, please find it in your heart to forgive me, i'll always be able to forgive you, i know we can make this work, i leave you with this...

I love you more than ever, more than time and more than love,
I love you more than money and more than the stars above,
Love you more than madness, more than waves upon the sea,
Love you more than life itself, you mean that much to me.

Ever since you walked right in, the circle's been complete,
I've said goodbye to haunted rooms and faces in the street,
To the courtyard of the jester which is hidden from the sun,
I love you more than ever and I haven't yet begun.

You breathed on me and made my life a richer one to live,
When I was deep in poverty you taught me how to give,
Dried the tears up from my dreams and pulled me from the hole,
Quenched my thirst and satisfied the burning in my soul.

You gave me babies one, two, three, what is more, you saved my life,
Eye for eye and tooth for tooth, your love cuts like a knife,
My thoughts of you don't ever rest, they'd kill me if I lie,
I'd sacrifice the world for you and watch my senses die.

The tune that is yours and mine to play upon this earth,
We'll play it out the best we know, whatever it is worth,
What's lost is lost, we can't regain what went down in the flood,
But happiness to me is you and I love you more than blood.

It's never been my duty to remake the world at large,
Nor is it my intention to sound a battle charge,
'Cause I love you more than all of that with a love that doesn't bend,
And if there is eternity I'd love you there again.

Oh, can't you see that you were born to stand by my side
And I was born to be with you, you were born to be my bride,
You're the other half of what I am, you're the missing piece
And I love you more than ever with that love that doesn't cease.

You turn the tide on me each day and teach my eyes to see,
Just bein' next to you is a natural thing for me
And I could never let you go, no matter what goes on,
'Cause I love you more than ever now that the past is gone

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