Saturday, May 10, 2003

Is Blood Thicker Than Water???

So with this upcoming Mother's Day, well tomorrow, it has sparked some good questions, or just thoughts of family hatred in my head. I continue. One good question is, since my mother is abandoning me, do i still get her a mother's day card or present? I think i will just get a card, probablly a lame general one, but she's deservant enough of that. And family structures are a great thing to see and analyze. There's families that a very close together, and they are always there for oneanother. They eat dinner together, support each other during rough times, at sporting events, do familiy picniks and so forth. Then of course you have just the opposite, the family hates each other, doesn't do anything together, and are happy when the kids move out. And then from those two points you have the natural blend towards the middle. Of course i could have said that the evil negative family side is one that either aborts the child, gives then up for adoption, an abussive family, or whatever else, but for this blog i will use the family that i did. I will say my faimly started out as the first family, they were doing everything possible for me, putting me into baseball, judo, awarding my achievements in schoolwork. As i grew older i was able to get myself out of baseball and judo, they weren't reqarding enough for me, but i was tricked as to keep doing well in school, so i did. Well basically i really didn't have to do well in school, once you are given the disguise of a great student, you don't have to do much to get good grades. Teachers pre-determine what kids will do well, and others stuggle, once you have that name set for yourself, you're set...but this is in another blog/essay which will came later. Anyways off of that rant, where was i.....oh so yeah, as i grew older it was now expected of me to do everything i did before, without any just rewards, just do it, if there were to be any imperfections in this, i was in trouble, not good enough. I beleive the most disturbing fact that i remember was when i was a sophmore, decided to double up on my math bacause i wanted to take calculus when i was a senior, so for the third or so six weeks grade i got an A-, a 91% or something. Maybe it was a semester grade, but i really think it was just a six weeks grade, but regardless, when my parents saw this they raised questions, "why are you only getting a 91%, what's with the A-", and mind you, none of this was said sarcastically. I remember crying shortly after this confrontation, it was just an A- i thought, it was beyond passing, and was still an A, a 4.0, this wasn't college, and it was just a six weeks grade. I think it was that point in my life i realized i would never be good enough for anybody. Throughout my life i've always been doing for others, i've been tricked into thinking that by doing well in school i was doing well for myself, this wasn't so, it just gave my parents someting to brag about, to make them look better, "look at what we produced" **damn, back on that school subject....Anyways, I had to get a job, my parents were going to stop giving me an allowance for oing my chores, but ontop of the job i still had the chores to do. When people see my room and my stuff they think it's been given to me, and i quickly correct them. I've purchased everything, cell phone and monthly payment, car insurance,any repairs for the pink car at the time, i even bought that, my TV, sounds system, these were my rewards, nothing was giving to me by my parents besides shit. I remember when the whole pity party fiasco went about the beginning of the senior year, how quickly they turned themselves agianst me over something so stupid. Yet later when it came time to fight mrs.cusic, they were no longer on mr.brown's side, but were "wanting" to help me. I made it to college, but couldn't escape the fact i don't have money and was sent back to rot here. I tried to help my mother in the beginning, but i knew what would happne all too soon. And now the time has finally fallen, these are my darkest hours. My mother is leaving to Missourri, I don't have enough income to get a place to live. I try to work my 2 jobs, gong to school for the past 6 weeks or so, but George still gicves me shit on everything, and doesn't make the schedule an easy one for me, but allows for others not to show, like i am an integral part of the stores functions, it i were, he would listen to me more often, but then i say this is another blog rant in which i know i will go off very badly. So til then Fuck off, i don't say that too often, but don't press me, you know who i'm talking about. Anyways, this blog has totally lost sight of where it was going, kinda like myself, so now i will leave you in the dark and bring this to a close. One last cry for help before they close the lid, the dirst's piling up, goodnight.

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