Saturday, January 10, 2004

LOTR Part 3...
with my the lovely Brooke

So this is probably going to be a two fold post, I want to talk about my evening tonight (now last night) but my mind is more on the wandering rambles right now, so please bear with me....

So things got off kinda shakey at first, say round 2ish or so...but just as it came up, it was resolved, thank the lord too I would not have known how to get out of that one...For more info read the xanga..anyways...I met Brooke at Sam's Club 530-6ish. We ate some pizza and she got me a slushy as well, she's great...but she was having a bad day and things just didn't seem to go her way, I felt bad for not being able to make things better, but that's just me...From there we went to the mall, Brooke picked up kodee's birthday present and me, I got myself a new pair of shoes...hopefully these will last longer than under a year like my last pair...

**side story...I was at the mall earlier today with barcus, we were shoe shopping, well I was and he accompanied me, and I tell you, it wasn't looking bright for me, the shoes I picked out weren't in my size, I narrowed down to three choices, two types = a pair of doc martins for my khaki look and a pair of skater shoes for the jean apparel...and even when I went online, couldn't find the skaters shoes at all, it's a conspiracy against me and comfortable shoes I tells ya****

so as I was saying, got my shoes and we headed out of the mall rather quickly to catch our movie, LOTR part 3 at showplace....We made it just in time for the 7:20 showing....The movie was good, seemed longer than three hours, and had the most drawn-out ending possible, right up there with AI I swear..they didn't leave a thing untouched with this ending, open and shut deal..I guess that's good. the movie was even better because I had my very own Spiegal (sp?) next to me making comments every now and then. I pissed before the movie and had to piss after the movie, maybe it was the slushy..After the movie we kinda just drove around...

oh, while driving I did pull a fashionable Jason-esque stunt..I parked the car at 11:57 in some parking lot, grabbed to glasses from behind my seat along with a bottle of sparkling red grape juice. I poured two drinks and flipped open my phone so I could see the time. I told her since we didn't get to spend New Year's together, this would be my mock-up of it...We drank the nasty juice and I got giddy as the clock hit 11:59..We waited anxiously, maybe me more than her, but then 12 came and I let out a little roar and said, "well I have to kiss you..."God I can be brilliant at times...yeah, I'm good, or is it that I'm good because I'm with her..anyways after that was done and over with, we got chased out of the parking lot by a cop and went towards 65 to take her home...

I pulled into the truckstop and pulled out my other surprise, I wanted to play a song I wrote for her.....Well I played it, horrible at that, god the finger picking...I suppose I should have practiced it huh, but no matter I just wanted her to hear it, it was because of her I wrote it, and Vince actually liked it so I thought maybe it had some sort of potential...Well maybe I was wrong about everything, maybe I shouldn't even played the song, maybe the song just sucks dick...sorry, well I am my own undoing, so serves me right for playing the stupid thing..anyways, I think things got patched up afterwards, she played a song for me s we had a little rock out session in my car, it was good...and then as it became closer to one I took her home....

(now this is the part where I start to ramble...) it was an excellent evening, but then again I've enjoyed every minute I've spent with her since she's been back..I wished we would have gotten together a little sooner, settled our differences sooner instead that fatefilled Friday....So why am I still absolutely crazy for her? How is it that she "makes" (I use makes in quotations because she doesn't actually make me, but it's something hard to explain..) me drop any and all plans on a dime, sacrifice it all just to be with her? You know, joking around this was said but it's true, she could make me run out on my own wedding, even if we hadn't spoken in years, she could just waltz in and say, "hey, wanna go have lunch or something?" and boom, I'd be out the doors...drastic yes, but true..

and of course I'm sharing all this on a public blog, and for what? Well maybe it's just something I wanted to get off my chest, lord knows I can't say any of this when I'm around her..I'm too afraid of what may happen, how I'll mess things up..sure I'll throw in little subtle remarks about loving her, but does he mean it, or is it just the way his character talks? I guess the subliminal is the safest route..if she were to get offended by a comment I made I would lie and say it was all in jest....I mean why can't I just act all normal, I'm not even sure what normal is for this situation; but I think it would involve me enjoying the evening without that strong deep beating in my chest, without giving those lovingly looks towards her, sitting there vasking in the greatness of her presence while she sleeps in the passenger chair...If I could get rid of all that, it would probably serve me a lot better, I know she doesn't want anything to do with those petty emotions, right?She just wants us to be friends I'm sure, why can't I give her that, why must my heart ask for something it can't have..tell it to go in a corner, lock itself away, it isn't needed now..so there, it's all out, no matter what I can't stop loving her (you if you are reading) I'm sure you have gathered that from my presentation of self over the past few weeks, but if for some reason you looked over it, here it is. I'm sorry I'm saying it, I know it's going to do nothing but harm, but I needed it out, I'll love you forever.

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