Tuesday, March 30, 2004

Without a Title, It's All the Same, just not as flashy and impulsive....

Still sick, but it's not contagious. I feel as if I am going to puke, several reasons really, could explain but nobody reads beyond things in bold....

Call it my sickness, but my delusional ramblings are continuing, and even though I may be sick and have crazed thoughts, I surely think a lot clearer when I'm in this state, maybe I can phase myself out of reality into a trance a lot better when I'm sick, get focused on things easier, block out all around and stare..I may look lost, stupid, confused, or sad, but it's my time of reflection...

And I think it's going to rain today

So I know what's best, I know this "thing" is stupid, but I'll let it continue..I suppose I can be labeled the bigger person for knowing it's not right, it's all very stupid, but I'll continue to let it walk away..maybe I'm no better...but maybe doing what I am doing is the right thing, maybe deep down inside we both know what irrational actions we are doing, just too afraid to fix them?

I'm still lost, and not in anyway possible good. It's the end of march, going on April..I don't ever remember feeling anything remotely like this in past years, what does this all mean..the cycles seem to have been broken. things are definitely off

if this were a cry for help it would be filled with some more pitying and definitely wallowing in my own self defeat. my cries for help aren't obvious, probably because I know you can't get what you want, I don't think there's anyone who would listen or could offer the help, well not anymore.

Made up my mind to make a new start, Going To California with an aching in my heart

it's still cold outside

Let there be hope...
For life is but a chance
On a wind swept hill

Katrina made a comment to me the other day, and it's coming back to haunt me a little more each minute I'm here...we were talking about relationships or some jazz making some references to me, she said, " I want a guy who's nice, not a manwhore (basically a virgin), someone who's smart, knows how to treat a girl, would give everything for the girl he loves, all the other good qualities like funny, able to listen, etc, and knows what he is doing with his life" I laughed and amidst my chuckle I said, well yeah, I'm possible every one of those characteristics, except that last one....she said that would still work, but in reality...no, I know better

Well I'm sorry but I'm not
interested in gold mines,
oil wells, shipping or real estate
what would I liked to have been?
everything you hate

I don't know what I'm doing; here, there, anywhere...

*hours later*

But Angie, I still love you baby, ev'rywhere I look I see your eyes

you know what the saddest thing is..organizing your receipts..Yes, we all know I have ever receipt I've gotten since 1995, in chronological order...Anyways...I've got this stack I've been meaning to organize for a really long time..would have like to do it in December/January but it was too cold outside to do anything..but I'll do it now, many many months later.....but yeah, as I sort and stack and combine and everything else, I look at the dates and see where I was..I can remember all those little details of who I was with (if anyone other than myself and my other) all the memories of that particular moment come back to me..I remember it all, just as quickly as I probably pushed it to the back of my mind, it's there, all there...I can tell you when I rode the Ferris wheel at navy Pier (July), can tell you when I ordered a cinnabon to go (November 28th) with exact dates and everything, these receipts go back further than I thought..I found one dating from April 5th..and some even older than that, wow a year's worth...not a good thing since a lot of memories from then were supposed to be suppressed, but what can you do....it's sad and makes me want to cry..

**Still Later Yet**

I'm not hungry, yet I'm eating, and going to eat some more, once the pizza comes out of the oven....I'm getting fatter, yeah, believe it or not, it's all the eating, out of boredom and everything else..I need to have one of those fits of stress again, I'm sure to loose some weight then.....

I am the pilot of the storm - adrift in pleasure I may drown
I built this ship - it is my making
And furthermore my self control I can't rely on anymore

sometimes you can try too hard...I do it, though not too often, I still do it...I try hard, but I don't generally push it over the limits.....I did however, do it the past week. I haven't seen myself act in such a way in a long time, a really long time..it's pretty bad too, I mean I don't like my recent behavior, and of course to correct things I have to let the cycle run it's course..but I wonder what if there's a different way, I mean the cycle typically works out from case to case basis, maybe I'll try something a little different.....I shouldn't let several things slip through my hands all at once, got to filter these things, try to get an understanding...one by one, step by step, too much will kill the system, releasing one at a time...

I don't get second chances, no, not really...not in anything I have ever done. It's always been all or nothing, do or die..no median, no turning back once you've gone a direction, it's that, sorry...if I could have a second bout at my life would I go for it...maybe, it depends really....I would like to change somethings maybe, but more importantly there's moments I'd want to relive, again and again...I wouldn't mid getting stuck in a few moments for the rest of eternity...my death scene will be something like that, quick flash of my life, then slowing down for the really good parts..and I won't want to let go of those memories and feelings, not allowing for others to come through..and then I'd get overwhelmed, and then I'd stop trying to hold onto them and just savor the enjoyment, the beauty, and everything would be perfect....I don't know if you know what I am talking about, but whatever...There's only so many things I can remember right now, the good things I like to remember, things nothing can erase, feelings...you'll just remember more when your out of it or gone.

And I'm done...for now, but soon yes

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