Wednesday, June 23, 2004

This is just sad...
..and I am just jason

well well, what do we have here, looks like a post to me....but there's something about this post that is a little off.....oh yeah, it's me that's off, that's right....

I always said I am my own un-doing, and has been spoken to me several times in return as well (don't you love people you love), but I really did it last night..which set up the tables for this morning...

I had a dream after it all went down....I was standing on the railroad tracks..it was in the evening, maybe right after dusk, or right before dawn...anyways, I stood there, heard the train coming and accepted my fate..I didn't wind up there accidentaly either, I intentionally stood there...and as the train got close I felt right, all was calm and well....and right before the train hit me (note that I was not looking at the train during any of this, just around, but anywhere not where it was coming from) the scene changed to the interior of my car where on the seat sat a stack of envelopes with peoples names on them....as "I" sorted through them I was able to read the letters I wrote to this people....I was only getting the main parts, but I think I got through 6 of them or so...I'm not listing names because...well I'll tell you if you ask, there are somethings money can't buy, for everything else there's debit mastercard....

I awoke as I was reading the letters, to the alarm of my phone going off..and I was emotionally drained...I hate to get all sad and emo on you, but I didn't want to get up, and was sad and upset that I actually was awake....

things only slid down after that.....I left, there was an argument...I cursed...I was upset..I was irrational.....tires squeeled, F bombs were dropped, horror and pain on the faces I left behind....I was cornered after I awoke..a testy thing to do..approach me when I wake up...an even off-balanced thing to do, get to me...

my day wasn't good, hasn't really gotten any better, though maybe slightly..still hungry...everyone at work knew something was wrong..said I looked the most pissed they have ever seen me...I was about ready to breakdown at any second....

where will I be tonight...tonight the time when I will need the most help and nurturing...beats me...this post will be read too late for anyone to do anything about...at least for this topic...

hitting rock bottom means you've got something to stand on, something under your feet (under your thumb?) but how's it when it keeps giving way, and all you feel under your feet is the air from below passing you up....

once again the summer will eat me away...I think time has sped up a bit and this is my November..hate to make such brass claims as that so early on, but I'm hungry and I may just lash out at you too....

this has been a post by jason angus

oh yeah, thanks to all for the mention of myself in all your journals, full name and all, made me feel a bit better about the world and the impact I am having on it...

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