Monday, November 14, 2005

Half Gone..
..I can only hope for the best...

Knowing something bad should happen is like waiting for the door to open.

So November is halfway finished and I'm crossing my fingers for the rest of the month...I've made it this far, not saying it's all been a bed of roses, but I've made it this far. Of course we all know that the "November Breakdown" came after Thanksgiving last year...And we haven't even made it past the seventh yet....

so what to do with this wish-washy state of things..You got me, I'm just cruising along in the passenger seat of the ride asking if we can get off at the same stop. I really wish something would happen; be it good or bad, just something - the inbetween stage is not a good one, but it is far better than nothing at all.

so to put it nicely, "I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't" I've never quite made it to the top, only rested on the bottom admist the middle of nowhere and beats-me-ville..maybe if I were to achieve making it to the top I would be better off, like it more..but then again it is Jason we are talking about, so who knows...for all we know this may be as good as it gets...

it's really a weird place to be in, everything threatens your lifehood - you struggle for your existence when really, do you even have to? I don't recommend this to anyone, but maybe, just so others know what I am going through..

it's hard to make sense of anything, especially when nothing is expected, moods can change like the turning of the tides; it just happens and there are no foreseeable warnings...You battle and throw yourself out there day after day, to keep hold of the ground you had the day prior, but in reality your just retarding the ever eventual process of your elimination.

what do you do?

talking about it doesn't help, probably just makes things worse..but if it's the most apparent thing on your mind, just what do you do. You hope that by talking about things everything else will just snap and fall into place..And then you become so desperate you hope that "fall into place" is really a metaphor for anything more than what you have, good or bad, just something more.

Jason's getting a little frustrated these days, and the situation isn't helping. I'm thinking of doing really stupid things I know I'll just regret later..things that don't even make sense now, but it's something..something I think will ease the tension, but in reality would just mess me up even moreso.

and then there's an even bigger question of what to do with myself..let's not even go there now.

so this winter should be interesting...I hope for the best, but will assume it's not the case..soon it will be a new year...which means absolutely nothing.

" Living the dream baby, living the dream...if only"

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