Friday, December 09, 2005

To Love and Be Loved... nothing more cynical

So they say the worst is watching the one you love, love someone else..and I think I may know what second is...

Really messed up relationships must be my thing. honestly, as I sit here at 4 in the morning I have been brewing over past "loves" and "run-ins" and they all come out with the same equation = completely off the charts.

For the most part, the run-ins, as I like to call them, would be the lesser of the evils; though the only evil is made on my part. these poor girls show an interest in me and I could care less..we all remember "let's take this bitch home" and "scar-face"...

but I'm "maturing", realizing the nature that is Jason Angus - for once in my life I've put my powers of charm, charisma, intelligence, and decent looks to work, and I must say..if I put my mind to it, I can achieve it...but I am growing in other ways too....starting to "grow-up" if you, I'm still the crazy Jason, just some wisdom has been bestowed upon me. a sense of self-understanding and being able to see things on the otherside for a change have made their ways into my livelihood...and all because of a certain someone...dare I say that...

so I'm in this rut..I don't know how to get out of it, I like where things are at, but changing it would jeopardize the entire structure..only because a change about things would be the destruction of it..I'm simply stating it won't go to where I'd want the change to go, and I'd have to resort to drastic measures, i.e. backup plan B - cut and run.

and while that seems absolutist and extreme, we all know how much of an advocate I am for all or nothing...extremes (usually both sides) is how I roll...and because of that, that one little characteristic flaw, my hopeless romantic/novel-esque feeling, I have not matured.

I can't explain why I think that way, I don't know if it was something I was taught, or if it is indeed a flaw that one cannot change.

one should feel all the energies of the world on their side when they are in love..but it actually brings me to pain to say it..mainly becuase I am in love, but the love is unrequited, and for that I feel like a failure..I don't like being let down by anyone, and when I prove myself to be in the wrong, it is the worst feeling in the world.

so the story of my life, and anybody else for that matter, the ones who love me I do not return the love to; and the ones I love do not return the love to me...and it's always going to be that way...the person I want to be with is someone I want to be in love with..but I feel as if no matter what (and I am only saying this right now) I will pull more weight in the relationship..I will love them more than they love me...and if I go the other way with it, having them love me more than I love them, I'd feel horrible, because I know I would not be the same as if I were to be truly in love with them..somebody's always getting screwed.

and then there's the phrase, "if you love something let it go"..I don't think I get that phrase..sure there's the crappy whatever of "if you truly love something for what it is, rather than just having it in your life, you will want only the best for it as well, and if that means not with you, then so be it"..that's one of those two cent lines like "it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved before"..hindsight is 20/20 and we can never go back....again anyother situation where you are just damned..having never loved you will always long to know what it is like to love, to experience the joy that is love...and having loved and lost gives the realization that you'd rather not...

so basically what I am getting at is I believe I may have given up on this whole much as I want it to happen, and as much as everyone is now suddenly believing in me as well, I think the towel will be thrown in...and maybe not just on this situation, but in the zenith of my's gonna get lonely in here

"it always is darkest before it goes pitch black"

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