Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Every Day in Passing...
passing with every day

Starts off sprinting..hopefully we won't run out of gas....

So another day for more money, another beverage to go down to my tummy...Woke up this morning with the realization it's been too long since I've slept in my own bed, everything seemed so out of place, not right, not "at home" to me..how do I go about setting the alarm on my clock, where is the heavy blanket that used to keep me safe, and why is not there a little radiator next to me for cuddling...well whatever I got ready for work and tried to recollect how long the drive from my place to work actually takes..regardless I made it on time...

work was very lame..I ended up only making thirty dollars and I got sat as they cut me, luckily Rachann picked it up for me so I could make my exodus at 2:30. And on that note I was on my way home. I devoured my sub and started multi-tasking; working on such things from getting the internet to work, to calling places to fix random fuckups...I watched TV, then DDR'ed followed by a shower of course and somehow that managed to consume the better part of the day into night. I made a trip to the bank for a deposit, grabbed some Wendy's at midnight, which I was very upset for purchasing, but you'll see why I did in a sec...

so I did one of the hardest things possible tonight, and I know it's not going to get any easier. mindy made two calls to me at 10:15, right after she got off of work..I missed them..but returned her calls around 11..she was sleepy, I knew this from the voicemail. the gift exchange was supposed to take place tonight (well this was made up on the fly...) but since mindy couldn't get ahold of me, it didn't go down, and in reality Mindy was looking for any excuse possible to not do it and go to sleep.

so we talked, she asking twenty questions and me being as vague as possible...after I gave her my daily rundown, she asked if I was coming over..and this is where it gets thick. using what tactics I could to get the idea across that I wasn't coming over without actually saying it was my battle plan. I figured since she was already to pass out and I was very hungry and wide awake there would be no point in me coming over...but she wanted a definite answer..nothing "implied" or something that can be deduced..I told her to use some pillows and pretend it was me ( now that's more of a shot than what you may think - backstory to that is whenever she wants to stop cuddling with me ((or so it seems)) she will ask for her large pillow to sleep with, this is a two part defensive measure involving a sleeping position that now faces me and the pillow as space inbetween for a safe buffer zone....(((I read too deep into all this..)))..)

so I didn't go over to Mindy's, as much as I wanted to, and almost fell victim to, I somehow held my grounds, only with the help of offbeat circumstances. and as I have been posting the drafts from many a month ago I can almost compare what I'm doing now versus back in May. the actions are the same, me not wanting to hang out with mindy or be around her and answer her every beckoning call, but the reasoning behind such actions is slightly different this time...

whereas before in May I was merely acting out on the situation of us being together but not being labeled together while in the midst of a private affair...so I wanted to keep my distance without getting hurt (we all saw how that panned out) And now I'm simply doing what every guy in a "platonic" relationship only dream about..I'm making a stand, breaking things off and putting everything in jeopardy - one of the riskiest things one could possible do.

why risk the wonderful thing you already have, just because you are greedy and want a little more...but at the same time how can you go on involved in that relationship lying to not only yourself, but everyone who comes into contact with the two of you...so who's hurting in the end will most likely always end up you - unless you get that miracle..and I kinda pulled mine off in September...

so whatever, right after the call ended Elizabeth called and wanted to go out after she got off of work, so I got Matt over..and later we went and hung out and Nick's..another day alcohol has been poured into my system, making this day four, or every day in '06 if you are keeping track...we got back to our place and Charlene and Rachann dropped in as well...we all watched High Fidelity - making this probably one of the most depressing and saddest, yet liveliest starts for a new year..

after the movie all was well and I went to bed, alone.













"I've had alcohol everyday this year...well I said something was gonna die this year..this one's for you liver!"

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