Sunday, September 21, 2008

I'm Baaaaaaaaaaaaaack!

Like a Pheonix from the Ashes,
this blog is reborn....

It’s 3am on a what used to be Sunday night and I am blogging for the first time in a decade...ok, a couple years, but it’s seemed like that long to me and my following, and after a tumultuous night like tonight, who could blame me...I’ve attempted to keep a log of activity and sorts through the time that has passed, some failed attempts at updating the blog, others would be saved as word files stashed away in a document file like a box in the basement covered in dust - others are captured via a digital recorder never to be played again - and still others are scribbled away in a book only I can at least I have attempted to keep it going.

When I was aboard the cruise ship one of my waiters told me how much she wanted to blog, and get back into I said, “then just do it”...i had to keep on her, to hound can talk all you want..but actions speak louder than words, its true...there was nothing stopping her from writing, she just didn’t have the discipline...and if you really want to do something, you’ll make time for that, literally and figuratively. That’s why when TJ said to me tonight he wished I still blogged, I replied, so do i...because I do, I do miss it as a means of expressions, cheap therapy, whatever you want to call it I think The Jangus needs a little of it back in his life...

I guess it all really started with the purchase of a book entitled, “The Waiter Rant” by The Waiter. As I started to read through it felt a sense of connection, it seemed to parallel my life - not too hard, I am a waiter myself, hence the purchase...but the line that struck predominately was, “waiting was meant to temporary til i figured out what i wanted to do with my life...that was seven years ago”. Granted I have only been serving for four years, that’s close enough in my eyes...oh, one thing I will mention..he uses the word waiter, duh look at the title, he seems to be an intelligent person, yet doesn’t use what I believe should be the correct form, as I have been taught by others, server..waiter is such an outdated saying stewardess...i don’t know, I hate to get all PC and shit...but yeah, server, not waiter...

Random story over, the Waiter essentially started everything out with a blog...he kept it updated, started off slowly, took a couple years off, got back into it, gathered a following, and walla, a book published from his stories...kinda the same deal with the Tucker Maxx every guy guy....if you ever notice any hostility towards these two, it’s rightfully noted to be jealousy...i seriously hate the fact that any other server in the country could have done the same, or probably are doing the same thing, and have a book published, be all rich and famous...just for telling the stories that happen on a daily basis across the world...these are everyday people telling stories I know firsthand..why didn’t TJ and I think of’s not hard, how’d these guys get so lucky...and there it is, it’s just that..dumb fucking luck....

But back to what’s at hand...what an amazingly fucked up night it was...i guess it all started with a tune I had in my head...the song “It’s Alright Ma (I’m only Bleeding) by Bob Dylan. Whether it was the news I had just received that made rock bottom just fall out or just what I had that ditty in my head..Maybe I wanted to hear it for that past couple days or so who knows, but I kept it fresh in memory and decided I’d play it when I got home...but much to my surprise it was no longer on my I know I have listened to that song a hundred times before, but now that you mention it I do recall a time when I transferred all my music over from my desktop PC to my laptop mac and lost a few files along the way..that must have been one of them...needless to say I did a quick search for it and started to download while my RoadRunner internet it grand, its still a 7 minute song, so I searched the lyrics because it had been awhile since I had actually heard it in full...and as I scanned over the lengthy amount of words there was one line I pulled out, one that stuck out in my head particularly much, but it wasn’t the verse i normally go to..this time it was, ”he not busy being born is busy dying” Such a powerful phrase I don’t know why it never caught my attention before, or how it caught mine this time...i im’ed it over to TJ..we were talking about twelve other things, as usual, so I sent it over to him again made it a point to get his attention on it..he still blew it off...he likes to read, but he’s not one for the pretty words, go figure..

The song downloads, I play it, listen to it, it repeats, conversation on aim slows down enough for me to start reading more of The Waiter Rant...and as I near the end of chapter 15 I shit you not the Waiter actually quotes it. Of course I flip out, started im’ing TJ - I’m one who believes in things are connected, signs, and all that other weird shit that goes on, he’s got much a more level head on him so I go to him for balance I guess. I ask him what are the odds that all this could have happened, he's reserved and replies with slim..but then it gets out of control when TJ visits The Waiters website. I’ve only been telling him about this book for the past two weeks thinking he’d look up the website, go out and buy the book like he normally does, no, he waits til today to do any of that, and whats the title of the Waiters Blog for the day..."Gallbladders and Death" just plain out errie...

About this time is also when all hell broke loose. In my need to keep moving I have an internet browser open with many tabs for me to click on and check the latest updates of things going on around me..the normal stuff like twitter, facebook, myspace, my fantasy football team, gmail, all the shit like gets old believe me, and I’ll just sit there and click on every last on of them, refreshing their pages, just to see something new...anyways I noticed I had several notifications on facebook, comments on my pictures, and people tagging themselves in them...well, one person in particular, the ex. So I look to see what delightful comment she mad about some picture of us together she didn’t want to see, at least that’s what I am thinking, but low and behold it was on a picture of a friend of mine, a friend who’s a girl, and so I’m confused, until I read the comment, then I get really confused...”Nice to know I was the only girl in your life.....”

Now let me make this ex was the only girl, as a girlfriend, in my life when she was my I did have friends that were girls I would hang out with that she didn’t care for, but still just friends...i am outraged at the ex’s comments and I make one back, a lengthy one telling her how it was an old friend I hadn’t seen in over three years, the picture was in fact taken after she broke up with me, but there was no intent on either party for some random hooking up or anything of the sorts, it was more of a “hey, I haven’t seen you in three years” sorta it that hard to imagine?

But in reality I posted these pictures earlier today, with full intentions on what I was doing...i purposefully didn’t tag the ex in any of the pictures because I felt I didn’t need to do so as she was the ex, I mean she’s already been untagged out of every other picture I have posted...was there more intent than that, I mean I rarely upload pictures to begin with..but my summer series was intended on having two parts with the first already posted, and summer has pretty much came to a close here, so why fact I probably picked other pictures I wouldn’t have posted should the ex not be the ex, it would have been more of us, so I just threw a few in...maybe the picture of the old friend was too much, but it was the most random day of the summer I’d say by far..

But the picture of the old friend, aye, theres the rub...the photo was taken solely because the clothing, actions, and presence reminded me of another picture I had once taken...actually, now that I pause and think about it, this will be the second time this old friend has had a double that’s just weird...she’s...she’s like a fucking replicater or something...HOWEVER, the picture was posted not to upset anyone, it was merely the only documentation I had for what I called the most random night of the second half of harm, no foul.

So comments are made, texting the ex begins and I’m getting in trouble for doing the one thing she hated that I did when we were together, have friends that were girls...i’m trying to make this work and she throws that in my if having a girl pause friend is that bad...i never meant any harm by it and didn’t know it would cause this commotion..

During this time I noticed via my facebook notifications that the ex is tagging herself in photos...then after the argument she starts untagging herself...leaving only a few, one of which I lok like I’m an asshole because I wont look at the camera due to the fact I’m driving in downtown Chicago trying to not get us I flip my shit and decided to give it to her, she got tagged in every single one of those pictures she was in, whether she liked it or not...maybe it was just too much proof that she did enjoy hanging out with the jangus...i don’t know..i never will

Needless to say the texts go nowhere, I’m sure she threw her phone, turned it off, or just ignored it all together, I stopped getting replies so I stopped bothering...but all the while that was going down I started to get other im’s and text from others, people I hadn’t really talked to on a daily’s amazing to see the people who come out of the woodwork when you’re feeling blue. A good friend of mine whom I never really get to talk to on a regular basis asked me if I was ok, just out of the blue..i had to ask her how she knew something was wrong, apparently my status updates via my twitter are a dead give-away for a heartbroken Jangus.

The friend, as well as others, actually said they had never known me before to show any other emotion than sarcasm and for the first time they see me truly upset...well, it’s been a couple years, probably around the time I blogged last, if not prior that I had any feeling such as this..things like this are reserved as some sort of nonrenewable resource..

I conversed with my friends, told them how I did wrong, let them know what’s going on in my world, repeated the phrases that crushed me that nobody should ever have to hear and I’ll save you from reading them - they offered me their support, it felt good to know I still wasn’t a fuck up in everybody’s eyes and that I had a shoulder to lean on when here I thought I was sure to fall.

After all that dust settled, all the commenting on pictures, the text messages, the pleas, the support I thought the night would be coming to a close, but not tonight..i keep asking if it’s a full moon but I don’t think it just enough time for me to catch my emotional breath, THE EX comes online, we all know her as, well, I don’t know, bitch? Or I really don’t have a name for her...anyways, I keep her on my buddy list in part because it’s set up through my address book from my phone..why do you have her in your phone you ask..well, she’s listed as the contact as “Don’t Answer” if that gives you any clue...i was tired of getting a phone call or text every other year from her and not knowing it was her, so I safeguarded myself against any future plight I may have...So she appears online, the only person it her buddy list category so I notice right away; and what do I see but her away status is that of Bob Dylan’s “It’s Alright Ma (I’m only Bleeding)...are you kidding me?

Now this leads me to do the unthinkable and probably regrettable, I im’ed her..just commenting on her status..she didn’t reply, instead she changed her status to say “Fuck yourself”, nice...i commented back and that got things going...i was a fool for messaging her in the first place, by letting my guard down I opened a flood gate of shit to come plowing down on me...she called the ex smart for leaving me, good for her, called me a drama queen, a lier, a horrible person, the same person she knew when she was in all of these things I retorted back shooting holes through every one of those accusations..she couldn’t just tell me straight up how I wronged her or somebody else, she just had made her judgement and wasn’t gonna change it..this sounds like a couple people I know and one already listed.

I decided I had been nice long enough and blew her out of the water asking her a question that we both just overlooked out of necessity...i got hot and asked, “remember that time I was in chicago last year and you wanted me to fuck you..but i didn't, because it was the right thing..wasnt it? i'm not that bad of a person after all, am i?” of course she, shellshocked, tried to blow it off with excuses of being drunk, unsatisfying, and that was a year ago, but it happened none-the-less, and I refrained from acting upon it, like any good hearted person would have done. After that slap in the face the conversation went more casual, no more yelling or arguing or name calling, it became quasi-pleasant...but of course she had to leave on a sour note...i was wrong for im’ing her...fucking status

So throughout this whole debauchery TJ was laying the smack down with quotes and status updates to help support my favorite is when he posted a status as, “
TJ says "LEEAAAVEE THE JANGUS ALOOONE!" like that YouTube guy sticking up for B.Spears...” that definitely put a smile on my face, as I think it would for anyone even looking at that nonsense..

i try to be strong, I try to be devoid of emotion because it shows weakness, and when you’re weak, you’re prime for the kill, just like The EX tried to do..she’d probably been planning on ripping into me like a wolverine as I have become a wounded fawn..TJ’s there as my go-to guy, I call him my coach as he is doing his best to snap me out of this funk..and the things he says are completely accurate and true, I’ll admit, he’s right this time, but I wished I could just remove this feeling of care, that’d make everything could beat me the wrongs of the ex til I bleed, but I ill still miss it...and are these things that TJ says to be so true, granted the ex did not like it when I hung out with girls, or added girls as friends on facebook, and other really absurd stuff that I would complain about..but I also manifest hatred and wrong doings to make me out to be the’s a horrible thing I know...but this is why I hate relationships, this is why I cannot commit to anything..i never wanna get hurt, but when push comes to shove, I’ll turn you into the bad guy and wear the victim mask..i don’t know it it’s because I’m afraid to fail, afraid to stand on my own two feet, afraid to take responsibility for my actions, and if so...the bigger question I want to know is, why?

So as my computer laughingly tells me it’s 5am I realize I should be wrapping this up..yes I have a lot more to say, but I don’t have the time, nor the appetite as my stomach is growling once again. I am sorry it had to end on this note....oh, how did rock bottom give out...i’m not moving to Troy..goodnight.

"He not busy being born is busy dying"

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