Thursday, September 25, 2008

I'm Gonna Get in Trouble for This..

part two
part sad

With the breakfast/lunch shifts over i leave the restaurant and walk to my car..there's the sun.. shining down upon me as i put on my Ray Ban Blues Brother style's so weird to be leaving work for the rest of the day at a time like this. I approach my car and look to see if i got a ticket, it must be my lucky day. I return home just moments down the road, i used to bike to work, but the bike got stolen from my very i resorted back to driving, walking is out of the question, especially for those who spend all day on your feet running around.

i return home trying to prepare for having the rest of the day off, and in fact, i have tomorrow off too, so this is like a holiday weekend for me it seems. maybe I'll hop back in the car and go for a drive like i used to, maybe I'll get together with people and do something fun, maybe I'll do something worthwhile for a change. i get in my bedroom, derobe and crash on my bed - who am i kidding, i need a nap from the lack of sleep the night prior. Though i know a nap will ruin the rest of the day for me, and especially cause a problem for trying to sleep later tonight, i really don't care, any time spent on not thinking about certain things is a plus, just hope i don't dream about it...

the nap turned out to be a full out slumber, i awoke shortly before 7pm meaning i had just taken a 5 hour nap...that's as much sleep as i get in an average night...good job - sleep is definitely out of the question tonight...i guess I'll be writing these blogs at 4am, per usual. as i pull myself together the phone rings, it's TJ - he's calling from the hospital so I'm sure to enjoy the conversation. he's having problems with the hospitals internet which means he's now trapped in hell, especially when he finally has a reason to be on the internet..i cant help but laugh, but oblige to help him out.

shortly thereafter the ex messages me, and she's not too particularly happy. she has found out about the blog (i wasn't trying to hold it a secret from her, i just thought she'd never look for it), and she's not happy with the portrayal i give her in my stories. i tell her i appreciate her patronage. then i go about defending myself, i read through the last thing i posted and see she is mentioned only in the first paragraph, and in all actuality, i don't see where she has a problem. she thinks i make her look stupid, she also thinks all my readers hate her, i couldn't sell security to that girl if i locked her up in fort knox. OK that's being a little harsh, i apologize..but looking over the blog and recite back to her lines that in fact paint her in a positive light..she dismisses my efforts and asks that i not talk about her on here anymore.

now, I'll let myself get kicked around more than i should, but when it comes to my freedom and rights, especially me sounding off or putting someone in place - that's when I'll stand up for braveheart, I'll go out fighting as i shout, "you can take my heart, but you can never freedom!!!" now granted i don't want anyone feeling uncomfortable with the way i write about them in blogs, unless it is justified to a certain degree. i feel as if i have yet to play her out to be the bad guy, in fact i am still trying in hopes of making amends with her by changing my ways and doing what is i know this will come back to haunt me because she'll say I'm doing something she asked me not to, and in typical Jangus fashion, i disobeyed the order, i guess I'll never change....which is partially right, I'm writing about her as she is still a figure in my life, i write about my daily life as stories told in type - she asked me to stop, but i told her i could not do that.

now i never mention my name, i never mention her name, i try to keep complete animinity...if you google search her real name, this blog is not going to come up..sure people who know me well enough know her, but people who are friends with her i am sure have heard all the negative stories from her about me too..her friends and family will never see this, nothing harmful or damaging is being said, as i told her the other night, if i wanted to make your life a living hell, it'd be done by now.

speaking of people who know people, isn't it funny how there are always two sides to a story, two sides to a breakup? she has told her friends all the horror stories, i tell mine how sorry i am. i go about trying to correct my wrongs, it goes unnoticed. her friends rally her on to not get back with me, my friends offer support as they see another emotion besides sarcasm. i know my readers and friends don't hate her, and I'm not asking that they do, I'm not going to twist the story to make the ex look know, maybe I'm not doing the right things...

anyways, so we are conversing about the breakup, as we always seem to do now, topic of conversation gets heavy and real, but then all of a sudden it is cut short, she has to go...this has happened before, i feel as if i am making progress, then its a "talk to you later" and i am confused....its like making a big meal, cooking it, plating it, then going to can go back to the food later, but it's not gonna be as good as it first came out of the oven...

i spend the next bit of my time finishing up The Waiter i read more and more, go further into this book, i feel as if the author and i are one in the same - our fears, our hopes, our desires...again it doesn't help that we play a role in the same industry. he talks about a fear of failure which i can relate to heavily - Granted I'm assuming the majority of the population has a fear of failure, i mean look at George and Marty McFly, they were fearful of rejection...maybe that's what my problem with this most recent breakup is...maybe I'm trying so hard to mend things because if i don't get back together with her i A) failed at winning her over, and 2) are no longer fit for a relationship with her, henceforth single, hence being rejected...funny how a fear of failure and rejection can make you try..irony anyone?

i stopped reading with only 2 chapters a way I'm afraid to end the i said before, i need closure, i just hate endings...i could have easily finished that book off tonight, but instead i closed it and put it back on my dresser, more than likely I'll finish it tomorrow..just something didn't want me to finish it now, we'll see what happens.

afterwards i dick around online, watch videos, check on my bank account (something I'll do 4 times a day like the amounts will suddenly grow or something..) I'm trying to do everything i can to keep my mind off her, I'm trying to cloud my brain with every little thing i can so i don't think about works for moments out of the day, I'll be so consumed in something i forget about the rest of the world...if i could freeze frame and replicate a certain instance, that'd be it. i wished i didn't care, sure i could probably turn it on like a lightswitch, I've been known to do it countless times before, but I'm supposed to be changing - also it's not what i really want anyways. i think blogging is going to help me out even though i said i didn't want to bring the relationship into my writing, i find myself doing just that from time to time - i guess it makes for good day time TV...

it's kinda hard to not include something such as that into a creation that lives solely off of your feelings, thoughts, and daily life...and if my feelings, thoughts, and activities just so happen to include her, who is she to say i can't write about them...what can i say, I'm a martyr.

i won't lie to you, lately I've been really down and out about this whole thing, but there's more to it than just her...I'm also upset about no longer having the opportunity to transfer to Troy. it was nothing that was my fault or within my grasps of controlling, they wanted to have me..but as they decided to bring me aboard my spot was filled with employees seeking to return to their positions from before...having troy pulled out from under me also knocked me on my ass about returning to UofM..

with the breakup of my girlfriend i wasn't too sure about continuing with the move to Troy in the first place - it was just something i was doing for us..just like Josh Lucas' character in Sweet Home Alabama, i wanted to prove to my girl that i could be something too - but now that Troy wasn't even an option i am left confused in my life once again. stopped dead in my tracks of life, i cant see through the overbrush to know where the paths go, let lone where they are anymore...

turns out the ex didn't even read the entire blog or other posts, for she had no idea i wasn't going to move to MI..i ended up breaking the news when she made a mention of me moving 500 miles away. apparently she just read the first paragraph of the most recent posting and got steamed when she figured out it was her..and here i was thinking that she actually started reading about me and my life, my thoughts, trying to understand where i was coming from and how i felt, or did the things the way i i thought she actually cared..i guess she tried and was turned off by the end of the first little bit of blog. again, my fault.

i continue clicking away at my mouse, always frantically moving from one tab to the other, multiple browsers open, just a slue of activity to keep my mind off things. a human instinctual desire takes over my thoughts. lately I've been so depressed i don't even wanna look at another female, so much to the point where i cant even get an erection. now that's bad, when you're a young, virile male and you cant rise to the call of duty, you know something is not right upstairs.

time passes, my mind slips in an out of consciousness. i find myself in a surreal state unaware of how much time has passed since i was on the computer last...i haven't fallen asleep, and i am wondering if it is at all possible - getting to sleep right now might save this evening, but i know better, I'm dreary and wore out emotionally, yet not tired enough for sleep. as i become more known of my situation it's clear what i just did. i determine my place to be in me bed, out-stretched, stiff as a board, on my back. My left leg crosses over my right at the ankle, my hands are placed firmly under my buttocks. the semen soaked sock still wrapped around my now flaccid penis..a pillow covers the top half of my head. the only thing that feels good about what i did was it relieved the pressure inside me, the naturalistic need was satisfied, but of course it only made me think of her. as i lie there with a sense of guilt hovering over me i hear my computer make a noise, somebody has instant messaged me and instantly i know who it is...i pull myself up and over to the computer where my thoughts were confirmed, it was her..guess it was my server's sixth sense kicking in...

"its not up to me anymore, if you WANT me in your life, you'll find a way to PUT me there"

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