Thursday, September 25, 2008

Picking Up Where I Left Off

2 days..

i am woken up shortly before 1pm with a text message, it's my friend Phil with his daily text of prayer requests. his new found faith threw me for a loop at first, but it's kinda humbling getting a bible quote and prayer request every day. i do let a lot of his texts go by unanswered, but that's only because i never ask for anything more than guidance...i cant be greedy and ask for a Sox win, or winning the lottery, those are just foolish, all i wanna know is that i'm doing the right thing, that i'm in the right place, that's it's supposed to be like this. i think he knows that as i have told him before i appreciated the texts and to keep them coming..i just really liked the quotes, nice little quote of the day to start my day off right.

i gather myself and start to think about my day off. i had originally wanted to get the The Hole and visit Buttercup, but that's because i thought she was working, and in light of last night's conversation we had, probably not the best idea. i commented on her actions in relation as to how i felt about them and everything else, it was a "you don't care about me as much as i care about you" sort of thing..well, she wasn't pleased with that.

phone goes off again, another message, who can it be this time...buttercup? she's making conversation with me, asking me what my plans are for the day and out of the blue she tells me i should come to The Hole today...are you kidding, i'm as shocked as you are..well maybe a little more than you are because i know the extent of the conversation we had just last night, wherein she ended it saying she was upset and probably wouldn't talk to me again for awhile...maybe my last minute pleas changed her mind.

i won't get into the details of it all, she hates how personal and detailed i get with things on here, and i can understand that...certain things ought to be left behind closed doors, there are no backstage passes to this event, you'll have to just sit and get there hearsay. i'll give you a synopsis, making things a little shorter for you

i go.i stay. i come back the next day....ok, well there is a whole lot more to it than just that, but i do go, i'm still a fool, i'm still in love. it's on the way down in the car i realize just how foolish i am, and how it's I that possesses the "Love in the Raw" i had been searching for..i've just been waiting for someone to share it with who has it as well...

we go on a walk, we talk about things, i think we are making headway, but probably not...i'm still hoping eventually there'll be this monumentous breakthrough and everything will be all bells and whistles's the hopeless romantic buried away inside of me, but things don't play out like they do on TV..

we go to dinner, she calls it a date (she called it a date?!) she calls it a date, i run into an old co-worker, accidentally call buttercup my girlfriend to the girl, buttercup doesn't mind..unlike some other people who if i were to call them 'my girl' in context or out, they'd get pissed and correct it for me..

by the end of the night i think i'm gonna pull it off, i've got the bases loaded, all i got to do is drive in some runs...but there's a snag. we go out to the townhouses that buttercup and her friends have been frequenting, the plan is to drink and have a good time...but that's just a plan.

by the end of the night as we walk back home i know something is up, something isn't right, and so i ask her why she didn't drink as much or party like we had intended...and it all comes back to me.

now i'm just gonna go on record saying this; i can be an asshole, i can be a dick, i can have emotional abused her, but the one thing i have learned about relationships in the past is to not control the other person..if it's one thing my friend's failed relationships have taught me, it's not to tie a leash around your lovers neck. i know people are going to do what they want, i know people have their own lives to live, and if you join, well, they still want their own space...

the only thing i ever asked of my girlfriends, buttercup or whomever, is that they 1) be faithful, i know drinking and partying can lead to things, just please don't cheat on me 2) be's not you i don't trust, it's the horny males wanting to drug and rape you i don't 3)come home at night, whether it be back to me, you're place, or the girl's next door, come home...all these things pretty much flow into one another, and i don't think they are absurd things to ask for..don't stay the night at a frat house - common sense..don't fuck other guys - please...don't get yourself into a situation that's gonna jeopardize us - be safe, be smart..

i know when people go out to parties, people will grope, people will grind while dancing...i know that happens, i just don't wanna hear about it...go out, have your fun, just follow those rules and we will be's that leniency towards others i wish to have in return - do unto others as you would want unto you - i'm a very understanding person..i've lived a full life and have learned a lot, i expect others to be as understanding as well i guess..

but back to the situation at hand...not to get into too much detail, there just seems to be this self-induced feeling about having a good time and the she can't be herself because of what i may think?

we lay down, i'm now in a drunk state due to a head injury..i'm awake, but she's we pass out.

the next day we wake, i gather my things, i walk her to class, something feels's not flowing like it did last night, it's like i woke up in another dimension..ok, maybe not to that extreme, but our departure was off..maybe she just had lot on her mind, maybe she was fretting the quiz she was about to take, whatever the case i could see her eyes glancing around me as i talked, never really looking at me, she just wanted to go..i did not..but i appeased her and ended my talk short.

i went back to her room, i needed to know what was up, i wanted to talk to her friends to see if they had an insight to all this, let them know it wasn't me with an ironclad fist of disapproval, i hate being seen as a horrible person..for when i didn't do anything to deserve it...if this doesn't show i'm trying to correct anything, i don't know what will...

with getting that out of the way, i went about my way, heading back home an hour away, i would have stayed of course had i not had to work. the drive seems endless, but my mind is in a place where time has no effect on it, i wouldn't realize i was driving if it were not for the random jerky movements of the semis around me to pull me back into reality. my head hurts from last night, as i rest my head upon my seat, not even the cushioned leather could accommodate the tenderness.

I return home and send off a text message to buttercup to let her know i didn't crash and die...i have about an hour and change to shower, change, eat, post a blog, and get ready for work. my lunch choice was last night's leftover pasta, still cold despite the 80 degree temperature for an hour for the duration of the car ride..why is cold pasta so good? after getting all that mundane stuff out of the way i check my phone to see what time it is, huh, no text back..i take it buttercup is napping as she said she was going to, i see the time and head off to work

work was a bust, we had less then 80 on the books and the managers didn't feel we were going to get the walk ins to get us over 100, they said they would make cuts, but like politicians, they just say things to make us feel good. schedules came out and already i start manipulating mine, thinking about possible dates for another trip to The Hole, my mind is consumed with the possibility of getting back together, and i'm giving it all i can. i'm off Friday, so i give up my Saturday shift to the new guy, it's a breakfast/lunch so it's not a big deal...but money does add up, and if you look at how much you would have saved if you weren't recklessly in love, well, just be glad you don't think about it.

i was in the back dining room, i was getting deuced to death all night, all sat 45 minutes apart, it was stupid. the highlight of the night came when my SA (that's server assistant) disappeared for a good half hour, didn't bother me so much as i would have liked a little heads-up, especially when i received my 'rush' - my first 2top needed their plates cleared, i was spieling my second 2top, then was seated with a 4 (an actual table, well, not when they aren't getting entrees..) i'm weeded now that my SA is gone, but it doesn't bother me, people ask if there's anything they can do to see the empty plates, clear 'em - you see me spieling and just sat, greet the time you ask me what i need, i'm probably already about to do it...

so the SA had been sucking it up in the past couple weeks, there wasn't a server in the place that liked him, not as a person, as a worker, and he had a limited section, as if he were still in training..this upset him and confused him...see, he was a casual dining server, coming from Friday's or something, and had hopes of being a server - i'm not knocking casual dining, i did it for X years and would love to do it again, i'm not saying good servers can't come from casual dining - it's just this kid had no experience in a higher end restaurant and our management team looks very down upon people with little to no fine-dining experience...hell, look at the shit i went through just to finally make it - 4 months Hosting, 4 months Food Running, lame.

i always find myself working my way up from the bottom up, whether it's because i can't sell myself properly, or the manager i am interviewing with had a bad falling out with one of the companies i previously worked i like getting to know all the different positions, have an understanding a respect for them. i think training in those areas should last longer because i think people would look differently on those positions, feel sympathy and not this self-righteous eliteness they reign down upon the peasants..but then again, servers are at the mercy of everyone in the restaurant...

i'm ringing in the salads for my four top and processing a credit card for the first 2 when my SA pulls up next to me, nice timing. he starts to tell me how he put in his two weeks because he has another job down the road at one of our competitors, this will be the death of him...moonlighting is against policy, or at least i think it is, it is at any standard chain establishment i have ever heard of...our General Manager, Mr. B. Hewey, finds out about this tonight and has a talk with him in the office - there's the half hour he disappeared, i hope, and tells him because he is now employed at one of our competitors he will not be allowed to finish out his schedule with us, and sends him home...well funny thing as this is being unraveled to me, Mr Hewey himself comes around the corner, sees the problemsome SA and snaps.

"Ned, i asked you to leave, you are no longer employed with us, that is your decision, these people have orders to ring in, get out NOW!"

pretty intense stuff, but i just giggle to myself, i make the comment...soooo, now i officially don't have an SA for the evening, looks like i'll be pocketing that 3%...but on the contrary, they assign an SA to me, one who had already been lending a hand throughout the evening, so i didn't really mind when she was given to me.

the night winds down, my last two tables leave at the same time, my sidework had already been completed earlier, and i just wrapped up my sets, i was on the break for it. i arrive home shortly after 10pm, i think its a record, it sure feels a lot earlier than that..i check my phone to see no missed calls, no texts, not even a stinking email, why do i own a phone? i text buttercup to let her know i just got home from work..i think that's what she asked me to do when we departed earlier..

i change out of my clothes and crash into my bed, for some reason i'm dog tired, i guess i had been up since 9am for some unknown reason..when i'm with her, i can sleep, and when i'm with her, i wake up at a decent time...maybe she does bring the good out in me, because without her, well..5am comes around and i'm still typing away only to rise at 1pm...

i pass out - now people call and text me - i ignore it, i'll get it later, this may be an actual real sleep, i don't need anything to interrupt it..2am rolls in and it wakes me up...i just fucked my night up...i review the onslaught of interaction people tried to have me participate in, many people, just not her...

my mind now panics, what have i done wrong now i think to myself...everything was smooth sailing, we were taking steps forward, i revealed to her how i wait by my phone at night waiting on her calls, how much it tears me apart to not hear from her because to me that means i wasn't on her mind...what did i do, what did i do

it seems as if i find myself in this predicament a lot...there's some sort of rift, i start working my way back to get things going again, i do something completely stupid, and BAM, back where i started...then i rationalize if it's worth all the effort of trying again, but i always see the forward progression i made on earlier attempts, and that fills me with enough confidence that it can happen again, i can hit that mark and take a few more steps forward, and i go for it...

the rest of the night the thoughts run through my head, what did i do, why is she doing this to me, i can't take much more of this, she was online an hour before i woke up, did she not get the messages, i try again, what is going on...

the frenzy lasts all night, sleep is out of the question now, as if the nap didn't help, my mind is in a frenzy working on overdrive. TJ calls me from the hospital, i think the morphine has impaired his judgement of time. i tell him everything from the past two days events, i know he won't remember anything, so it's more for me than anything else. it'll be after 6am when i'll finally crash from the overload of emotion...all my life i've had to start at the bottom...i don't want to do it again.

"I want to ask why, but i know i shouldn't - Just don'tworry about it"

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