Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Third Times a Charm

there's nothing to say..
and if there is, i don't wanna talk about it

she called me last night...i was out in the living room, either pacing around mindlessly or on my way to the bathroom when i heard those church bells ring. i thought i was losing my mind, thought maybe the church down the street was chiming away, but no, it was my phone resting on my bed. i run into the room and dive over my bed to grab the phone, i answer. she tells me she's drunk and cant talk, but wanted to call me back because she said she would and doesn't want to be a bitch about it.

i talk, i keep her on the phone, i spill my heart out to her like i've done so many times before..she's drunk so she's speaking the truth, the slurred truth. she tells me more information, but then regrets saying it, regrets doing it, regrets being on the phone with me, she just wants to end the call but i persist...for the next 45 minutes i pace the house, rambling, without stop but maybe a lot of stuttering, trying to form words out of feelings as best i can on the fly. i may be a charmer, and i think part of that comes from my innocence in raw form through emotion, it's cute...

everything falls into place - she wasn't mad that i talked about her in my blog, she was embarrassed by the joke i made hit close to home, the truth hurt her...it seems like even when i don't know, i do..i guess i'll always know..she did leave me for someone going to jail for 45 days..i even go so far as to ask why she wasted my time, she didn't know, i suppose she never will. it all makes sense to me now, now i wish i did key his car, hell, i'd just kick ass, not fuck up some car...i wished i would have known everything sooner, i wished i would have gone down that Saturday like how we wanted, i wish a lot of things

the conversation ends, i go back to my computer, still at a loss. she sends me a text message, "i do not want to be with you jangus" just after we talked and again were making progress...i wish it would all end..we text more, back and forth...i like closure but can't deal with the ending, i like knowing how you stand, but i don't want to close that door...she finally decides on going to bed for real this time, and asks me about the money she owes me..i'd forgotten all about that at this point...sure when we first were broken up, when she didn't come visit me on that Saturday, got drunk, and i heard the guy in a background, said things out of anger, of course i asked for my money then, but now..there's more to happiness than money.

i tell her the total and she starts freaking out..i tell her it's everything, from the car loan, to all the things she agreed to go halves on or pay in full that i found myself paying for..you don't wanna know the total, you may flip like she did...she goes on to tell me how i haven't changed, how i'm still an asshole, how i made her so depressed, and so forth...i think to myself, wow, i'm out X amount of money and holding my flacid dick at night because you broke my heart...and you're mad? go figure....

i cant stand being called an ass or saying i haven't changed when i know i didn't do a thing wrong..i tell her i'll call her tomorrow...she doesn't like that, then her responses stop..

i don't sleep for the rest of the night...my nerves are frayed, my stomach aches, the room spins, i'm pissing out my ass, my mouth is dry and cottonlike, i toss and turn all night long...my body cant handle this stress...i'm sure to have an ulcer by now

morning comes and i drag myself out of bed...i may have actually passed out for a total of one hour, but that came well after 7am and sometime before noon...i try to humor my stomach with bread..apparently it did not like my sense of humor and threw it into the toilet. i'm a mess.

2pm comes and i know buttercup is out of class now, so i give a call because i promised, plus i wanted to know why she was so pissed at me the night prior. no answer, i leave a message...an hour passes, i notice an update via facebook (that fucking update thing..) so i give another call, no answer, so i text, saying it will be short, just answer...10 minutes later i get a text saying, 'well? i'm waiting!" how was i supposed to know she'd answer now...

i call, we talk, now she doesn't care about why she was so pissed off..she hates me...she wants any excuse to hate me at this point..the fact i've been able to take everything she has thrown at me just infuriates her more...she knows i'm changing, she knows i want to make everything up to her because i owe it to her the most, but everything i do right now is wrong to her, because right now, i am wrong to her. she tells me i'm coming on too strong, i'm trying too hard...of course, this is natural i think, once you lose something and want it back, you'll go to extremes to get it...and i also know the more time we spend apart, the more time she has to get me off her mind....sure maybe in like three months of not talking, we hang out for one afternoon and hit it off, spark a new relationship...seen it happen a hundred times before, 23 times personally.

i make the call short as i can, i tell her to contact me whenever she wants, i won't make the call to her, when she feels she is ready to call, she will....for some reason i feel that won't be happening any time soon...

i get ready and go into work..i look like shit so i wear my glasses...it's now a mask i put on to hide from reality..people see glasses and assume smart, they forget ignorance is bliss. we get our sections and for the first time in history at work, i am top dawg, the number one closer..i've been number two only twice, but on the one night i'd love to just go home and overdose on more sleeping pills, i am gonna be stuck there til after close.

the night is dead, it looks like a ghost town in the restaurant...they start cutting the floor early...a five top that was plotted in my section wants to not sit so close to the bar...there's nobody in the bar, no noise, nothing, these people are just assholes...they take their money elsewhere...after it goes down to just the two closers, another five top was to be given to me, but as their reservation time expired, they called to cancel..what a night

in a last ditch effort, some sort of saving grace a six top walks in, the hostess Hilary knowing my earlier struggles gives it to me...i thank her..she was actually my saving grace tonight...i opened up to her, told her about what was going on in my life, she listened- i think it was willingly because she asked, and asked questions. she offered my some herbal medicine to ease my mind, could have been opium, i would take anything at this point. she tells me about her relationship she's currently in...my situation seems all too real for her...there was a breakup, but quickly they got back together...time is of the essence, had buttercup and i seen each other like we both wanted to, everything would have been avoided, but that is not the story we are telling today...

the 6 top is the last to leave, and i am discouraged by the tip they left, definitely were not my saviors tonight, jerks. i flip the room over for a large party tomorrow, it takes awhile, enough time for the other closer to do a walk through with management..i check out and escort Hilary to her car.

she drops me off at my car, she's nice. i can tell she has a lot of heart but has been fucked over a lot in the past too..she's jaded, may come off as a bitch, but she doesn't mean to..i guess we all do the same. she's a hardworker, offering me a hand to reset the party table tonight..she may have a boyfriend, but i think she's lonely..she's lacking an emotional connection, he just wants a friend..

it's funny because i can do what happened to me, swoop in with all the charm in the world saying and doing all the right things in the beginning, steal the girl..but i'm better than that, sure i'm a guy, but i've never played that game before, because i know in the end we are all the same....nice at first, and then it slacks off..we become mean, don't seem like we care, just want sex - granted we may do little things for you here and there, you want them all the time ladies, yes you do..and we just can't offer that to you..i just wished Buttercup knew and understood that...some fuckstick came swooping in on my impressionable naive girl and knocked her off her feet..kudos to you dickspank..i mean this in the nicest way possible, but i hope he fucks over her worse than i...but then again i hope the best for her too..

we arrive at my car, i thank her, and go to my car..once inside i am reminded why i don't drive at night as i let out a long sigh..i still have a fucking headlight out..i just have a paranoia of getting pulled over, especially right now and my illegitimate residency and expired plates, whoops...

i go home, unnoticed, and pop an ambien...tonight i will sleep for sure.

"you're once, twice, three times a lady...."

No comments: