Saturday, December 20, 2008

I Want a Hippopotamus for Xmas

well, that's for you...
me..are my ears on straight?

here's a winner for ya...

sometimes i wonder why i do the things i do - sure i've gone through life being able to justify every single move i've taken..i just wished i didn't have to at times. this time i ask myself if what just happened was a very 'natural' response or was it the right thing that i actually meant to do for once.

if i understood me, if just for a moment, life would be different..but i don't have time for that sort of thing, one of the many mysteries...it's much easier understanding others than it is yourself.

i've been talking with Jade lately, well, talk is an exaggeration, we've sent a couple emails back and forth in the past month..i feel as if maybe she's known me the best, which is comparable to having a live bomb in your hand...it's good if you know how to throw it and use it to your advantage, but you never know when it's going to go off...i've had my fair share of problems with her and i think right now i am keeping a safe distance, even though we both have stressed the acute apprehension with a warm embrace..

"..i did what i did, it feels wrong, i feel bad, and i feel like i am still an asshole...was it the right thing?"

and then there are a lot of times i just have no idea what is going on...i feel this a lot, mainly all the times in arguments with girls...god, the ex would tell me all the things she thought i was doing wrongly, she'd be so upset, and i'd just sit there..i'd say my piece one time..the fight would continue and be brought up again, i wouldn't repeat myself because obviously that did a whole lot of good..so i just said, "i don't know what to say", because, in all honesty, i didn't know what else to say...she was upset for some irrational reason that i tried to tell her otherwise, it didn't work, and i wasn't about to stop hanging out with friends because she had a complex...

maybe understanding people is harder than i thought...people will bitch at me, bitch me out, try to call me out, and i just sit there..let them type away all their dirty little thoughts, and when they are finished they want a response, so i throw up the standard, "ok, cool" and i leave. i don't have time to be bothered by things i don't understand..if i did, i'd go to school and take chemistry..hell, i would have taken chemistry, but no, i didn't have time for that shit...

then people get mad because i 'ran', and you know what i tell them.. well, it's easier to leave than be left behind

the reason why i love Vanilla Sky so much, ill-fated relationships..trying to make the other people in his life happy..it doesn't work out, does it...as much as i may like saying it, i think i found my vanilla sky.

what's interesting is, sure i like being the asshole, i can't go a moment of my life without being an asshole, sometimes it just comes out too naturally - like tonight when there were several of us polishing win glasses right after we finished polishing silverware and making our sets, one of the closing servers said, "ok guys it's really great that your hitting up the glasses like that, but we've got..oh, about four racks of silverware we need to work on" - as the disgruntled faces started to form i quipped back with, 'glad you can count Dracula'..the heads that turned back to me...

but what i don't like is when i can control whether or not i am the asshole...if i can go through something whether it's faking it or whathave you, as long as i am not being an asshole to people, i am happy...that's what makes certain things in life so hard...whichever road you take, regrettably you're gonna be called the asshole..and i've always avoided that road because in this instance i can control that..i get to be the asshole enough in life, if i can go a time period where i'm not, i'll do it....but, naturally, it ends up, i'm the asshole..

oh i'm the asshole, I'M the asshole?!?..oh wait, right, i am

i never meant to do any harm, i never do..i never meant to hurt you, i never meant to make you cry, i never meant you cause you trouble, i never meant to lie so this is goodbye









"You were missed, David. It was Sofia who never fully recovered. It was she who some how knew you best... and like you, she never forgot that one night where true love seemed possible."

1 comment:

MyNameIsHippo said...

I love that Hippo song...hehe