wasted time from the wasted gift
today was another one of those lazy day sunday's i spent the most of the time entertaining myself. i have to credit my childhood for my ability to now, as an older child, taking care of myself and handling situations like these. as an only child i entertained myself with toys and video games. i used to draw, watch a lot of TV and movies, spent some time reading the ten page books or flipping through my encyclopedias - note i still hold my aesop's fables as my favorite book, and carry it around with me in my bookbag, ask to see it.
probably one of the most traumatic things while growing up had to be the gift selection come Xmas or birthday time...i remember year after year receiving countless board games, or any other multiplayer thingie. what the fuck was i supposed to do with these games..i didn't have siblings to play with...my parents never wanted to play anything...i didn't live in a neighborhood with many children, let alone children my age, and the few that were around i never had over...i'm not asking for pity here, i just want to know the reasoning behind those gifts..gifts that sat on the shelf that soon were to be given away to other children...thankfully they got it right and bought me something i could play by myself, enter the NES.
throughout the years i've made many friends, lost many friends, fell in love, fell..back in love...there's always been a group of people around, but i'm feeling as if the number is getting smaller and smaller the older i get. with all of today's technologies keeping in contact should be a cake-walk...but maybe it's too easy...too easy to ask someone what's up..is it because we really don't care?
i need a break from blogging..i just finished yesterday's post and i'm already working on today's..a little drained and needing some fuel i think i'll head out and get some things..gatorade is on sale at the grocery store for a price that's almost cheap as free, better stock up. as i start to pick out the colors i like i look around down the aisle noticing almost everyone is on their cell phones...i start thinking about everybody i've ever known.
life is all about who you know, networking. that is my final answer...granted i feel as if i have learned that lesson a little too late, as i have burnt every bridge i've ever came across...whether it be contributed to my fault or theirs, the past is in the past and there is no looking back. Bob Dylan once said "never look back" and so i drive my car without a rearview mirror...it's my first step to achieving that spiritual way.
i finish filling up the box with assorted gatorade and start making my way to the checkout. i've always been an all or nothing type of person - there's got to be something better than in the middle, well, i believe that to be true...if the middle is as close as you're ever going to get, if the middle is where you'll forever be but you don't know that and you keep trying...i'd rather just walk away...it's black and white, either you're mine or you're not..
i scan the last gatorade and put it back in the box...if only i was able to do the same with all those people i refuse to speak to, or vice versa, all those wasted opportunities, all those bridges...where would i be now...but i guess that's me, all or nothing strong headed jerk...
i relate mostly to tj who said, as he grew older he was tired of the 'making new friends' shtick...this coming from the guy who made friends with everyone...but i understand where he was coming from for i am the same way...granted i'll be the first to go up and talk to a person or a group, be that social butterfly/engineer...but in the same sense, i just don't have time for people after that..it's like the idea of being in love with the idea of falling in love...after that initial spark is over, you're on to find something else..
my trip to the grocery store was quick, now i'm off to find some food made fast...just like any of my relationships or covert missions...get in, get out.
"Keep a good head and always carry a light bulb"