Monday, June 15, 2009

Presentation of Self

the masks we don
whether it's put on by ourselves or others..

a presence perceived is a presence achieved....

i'm not even sure how to begin this blog, but it's been a reoccurring topic and something on my mind for the past couple of weeks now - just what is people's deal? ok, now that's way too broad of a statement, but what i want to know is, what's with their skewed perception of yours truly.

i think it all started a couple weeks ago with an online conversation with a former co-worker. i started the conversation, which is something i don't ever do with this person, but i wanted to know what was going on - recently she had asked that i request her twitter friendship so i could follow her once again, i guess in one of her drunk stupors she accidentally deleted me. so i obliged and requested the ability to follow which went unanswered for some time. when i asked her about it she told me she was having second thoughts about me following her and vice versa.

whaaaat? second thoughts about having me follow her and her follow me? did we just break up or something, i don't understand....i ask for some sort of explanation (also knowing that there is no legitimate reason for this foolishness) and i received a long line of bull. as it turns out, in her opinion, she felt that after reading some of my blogs and twitts that she did not know me.

she went on to say that the person she read about was not the person she knew at work - the one who quote, had life in the palm of his hands endquote. she went on to say maybe she was in the wrong, maybe i was always like the person who blogged but she never saw it, never really got to know me..maybe it was her own fault, she created this allusion and character that she needed..she put a cape on me and gave me a false name, Chad. she created me as how she wanted to see me.

i've always been this person who blogs the true horrors and pains of life..but also who celebrates when there are is a tragedy, all you can do is laugh. you know, maybe i wasn't the man behind the blog when she saw me...i had wet feet for the better part of the first year, fresh out of CP - and now i realize that's exactly what a new environment does to me, it evokes a raw form of emotions....i'm new to a place, a strange in a strange land if you will, and that high gets me more riled up than internet users and a newer version of some social networking site...

i suppose i do come out the gates running strong, ready to take on whatever is thrown at me with such a vigor for life - maybe more like an excited puppy to be in a new place, i think would best describe me. trying to take in as much as possible, trying to claim everything as mine, starting anew, clean slate, another chance to do it all again, but hopefully differently this time. and of course as time goes on, i lose the vigor, things fall into place, but not as i would like..and around that two year mark i get that too settled unsettling feeling that makes me feel like i am wasting away, slowly dying with nothing to i pack up to start somewhere else, new, feel alive once more hoping that this leap, will be the right leap, home.

i'm sure there will be some things to add to on this post, but that's all i got for now...

"No one knows what it's like, To be the bad man,To be the sad man, Behind blue eyes"

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