Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Back to my Roots

something different..
..yet the same

the revolution of a circle.

as the caffeine courses through my body, this unnatural feeling feels somewhat like home. sitting in a familiar setting, cup of joe to my left, silver lappy in front, empty tray to my right. I feel like it's mid-2000's right now.

Ugh, it's hard to keep up with my thoughts, coffee is not what i should be drinking...i don't even like coffee..but here i am, five years later, starting up what i stopped a long time ago. what made this come up about?

well, a book...a book that was out of place actually, and a very long, intense week. I was skyping with a friend and a discussion came up about handwriting..of course I mentioned how mine is absolutly craptastic. My friend wanting to see something I wrote i struggled to find something nearby with my made me think about how little i actually do write..i don't write orders at work, i don't write down quotes or notes any more, those go in the phone...i just don't write anything ever..

in mid-though i say a stack of books and papers, ahhh, one of my journals of course! So i grabbed the one I saw first, opened up to a random entry in the middle and showed my friend over the webcam just what horrible handwriting is.

not much of a story, but i guess after i was finished with the viewing i just put the book down next to my "computer chair" (a lazy boy in the corner of my bedroom), i mention this because the book continued to sit there for the next couple of days. this is very unlike me, i like being neat and orderly, i like having everything in its place "mis en place" or whatever that frenchy phrasing is.

you could blame it on, who knows, i'll go with the overloaded week i've had with lack of sleep messing with my simple thoughts to such a degree i felt no obligation to put the book back. So last night the book caught my eye, differently than it has the past nights, and i was drawn to it. i figured there must be a reason this book is still out, let's investigate.

so i dive in, mainly reading highlighted sections that i've marked in previous re-readings and then it hit me...the missing link for a project i am working on was right in front of me the entire i continued to read more passages, taking note of the amount of coffee intake on such regular basis i was partaking in while writing and it got my gears turning.

when did i shut out coffee...when did i shut out writing..when did i shut out certain things, people, etc. the pages screamed out to me. I was elated with what i had found, yet it left a hollow feeling inside of me too. this time as i read i reflected about a time and place i enjoyed, however the character was wasn't me, it was left me asking, who is this jangus, moreso, who am i. I read about the jangus' mishaps, the girls, the adventures, the struggle..and as fully aware of it as i am now, i became uncertain of it all too.

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