Saturday, January 22, 2011

I Didn't Mean for This

but my writing has a mind of its own..
..and this is the price I have to pay

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I don't even feel like writing right now only because I really don't know what I want to say..I'm afraid I'll say too much without saying anything at all, or without proper clarification. I don't want my words misconstrued and used against me without any understanding. Simply put, I have issues, however, these are no more a big of deal or any different than any other person's issues. If there's such a thing as "common knowledge" there has to be a thing of "common issues" or "common concerns". Let me explain.

When it comes to relationships, I gain issues. It's like owning a house and then you realize you have a backyard, you're going to put a trampoline there - as I enter a relationship, any and all past concerns's not voluntary, they just come to light, get pulled off the backburner, get the dust blown off of them. Now I'll be the first person to say that you cannot hold grudges on your current lover based off the actions from your past - they aren't the ones who did whatever to you, so don't build up walls and attack them for things they didn't actually do. (until they do it) Give people the fresh slate they deserve.

I was called stupid yesterday by someone who was arguing this with me. I like to believe in people from the start, I let them fail on their own accord. If someone tells me something, I'll believe them, what other reason do I have not to?! It may sound foolish, but what good comes of thinking everyone is lying to you, everyone is out to get you, everyone is trying to take advantage of you? It's a lot easier to throw up walls and not let people in than to do just the opposite.

"but i'm tired of getting hurt...i'm protecting myself..." That's bullshit. If you're not making mistakes you're not doing it right. How can you love if you don't allow yourself to do so...oh what, you want this magical moment where as much as you try to block someone out and push them away they keep trying, tearing down your walls like Reagan? No, that's not going to happen, because you'll continue to fight them off, no matter what, and then they'll eventually give up, and you'll be left alone saying "see, told you so" playing the victim card one more time.

So I let love in. Granted I'm not falling in love with every person I meet, I mean I'm responsible enough with my heart in that respect, but I've given up on all that wall making shit - it's tiring not only to build, but to keep up, and fight on all those stupid walls. I'm becoming more open with myself, not allowing myself to lie or be lied to (at least I hope that is the case..trying to make everyone around me be honest...), to just love and live incidentally. But I still have some things to work on...

I've been cheated on, witnessed friends cheat, been in a relationship with an engaged person - so yeah, fuck you to say I have "trust issues". When the world I see around me is as corrupt like that, it's hard to not have "trust issues." Why do people cheat, are humans not monogamous creatures, can we still be faithful and trusted? After being around the block, living life for the twenty-seven years that I have, I've seen a lot of fucked up shit, shit so alarming that it made me want to discredit the value (if any) of being in relationships and of relationships in general.

I'm jealous, I'm clingy, and I have an over-active imagination - which does havoc on my psyche. I fully trust my partner-otherwise I wouldn't BE with them-but I still have my concerns. Take communication for example. The girls I've dated are like myself in regards to how they use their cell when I don't get a reply to my text, I don't is what it is, people have lives, duh. HOWEVER one thing that will drive me absolutely crazy is either A) very slow responses in certain situations when otherwise the texting conversation is very fast paced..and 2) when we are having a conversation and then all of a sudden the other person drops off from the face of the planet (especially if they were the ones to initiate the conversation!) Then in those situations I get concerned...what the heck is going on, why can't they respond now, what are they doing? I do not think these things are crazy, or even "issues", these are common concerns you'd find in any person polled.

And from there we can go right into the issue of having opposite sex friends, or exes as friends. A lot of people I've known cannot handle it when their partner has either a large fan base of the opposite sex, or a member of the opposite sex with whom that person is really close with. Meh, I mean yeah, it's awkward at first, but I would be a hypocrite to say otherwise. I have a large fan base of women in my life with whom I talk to and interact with - but you know, it was just the other day I said how taxing that must be for the 'one' woman in my life, and how I wish to change that. Sure it's a positive thing to have a good mixture, but anything other than that is unsettling. I've said it before, I'll say it some more: Girls and guys are friends for a reason, the reason just so happens to be that most of the time feelings came into play.

I'll just come out and say it, I'm not a fan of my girl being friends with a guy when I know and She knows that he has feelings for her. Do I trust her, of course I do! (again, I said it before, if I didn't trust her I wouldn't be dating her), but-here's that infamous line- it's the guy I do not trust. It's cliche but I hate when people try to disregard it because of that fact, it's cliche because it's true. I'm a guy, I know guys, I know how guys are, I know what goes on in guys heads. Girls, you think you know what's going on, but no..when we start talking about women, or cooking, or cleaning, I'll ask for your input. This, however, I got.

Girls who are friends with guys, happens, no harm no foul. BUT the moment that guy finally professes his love for her, shows interest, whatever...uh can do. There's a reason why people say they can't get in a relationship with their friend-because they'll ruin that friendship..YA DAMN RIGHT. or at least, that's what should happen...However girls have this thing in their head where they think if they say no, then that means no. Try telling this to all women who get raped every year...guys simply do not hear the word "no".

So after the true emotions come out, Sally tells John no, then they somehow magically (for some reason everything this past week is either magic or wizardry) continue to be friends. In the Girl's head and world, Sally has voiced her opinion and that's the final verdict. HOWEVER, in John's world it's a different story.

John has been turned down, but it's not over, he is determined, he will try again. And now that nothing between them has changed, he is especially determined. They are still friends, they are still close...he can still win her over. He will plot and scheme til he is blue in the face trying to get a way for her to be with him. I mean why not, Sally is still in his life, they still talk, obviously she must be entertaining the idea otherwise he'd be history by now. As long as Sally stays in John's life like it was before, John will continue to try and believe he has a chance with Sally. Again, Sally is set on nothing ever happening ..(everything can be peachy-keen and that's a skewed mentality)..but John on the other hand, as long as Sally is in sight, he can still fire away.

People with under-minding motives piss me off. In the last example John and Sally stay friends, for whatever reason, and all this really does is encourage John to try more and even harder. With John's "foot in the door", so to speak, he can retain that "friendship" where Sally feels comfortable. Comfortability is crucial for John to win Sally "back". Because John is a friend with Sally he now has insight into her life, commenting and critiquing on every guy that comes into Sally's there for Sally's heartaches..and because of that comfort, will succeed in his quest.

It happens, it's real..I've seen it, I've lived it, on both ends. I'm tired of it. Guys have hidden agendas. It's for this reason I'm not friends with many guys, I cannot live like that, nor do I want that around me. If you've openly expressed feelings for a girl that I am dating and are friends with her, that will be the last of you. Yes she does have the right to be friends with whomever she wants to, and I'm not a controlling bastard that will tell her what she can and cannot do...but I do not like when my girl will willing put herself into situations that may jeopardize our relationship.

----->Sidenote: Any girl that listens to my concerns, has an understanding for my concerns, and respects my concerns is one HELL of a person...and I'm lucky to have found such a person<------

The guy doesn't want to "just be friends", if he did, he would have never dropped the bombshell that he liked you. If he was any sort of decent man he could retain his friendship, but slowly drift away into the night, putting his focus on conquering another woman. But no..this was something he wanted, was denied, and is rightfully someone else's. (For the record I know that women are not possessions, but for the love of writing, please just go along with's not like this is the first time someone has ever said anything like this, and in no way is it meant to be undermining or belittling, sheesh.) Guy's like challenges, and that makes me more concerned.

So it's not the girl I do not trust, I understand her logic and where she stands, it's the guy who I know is relentless in his pursuit, badmouthing me whenever he can, there for my girl in her time of need, gaining that comfort which turns into something more...

say I have trust issues?...well it's because of fagots like you I have "trust issues" - you on the other hand must have mommy issues for the amount of pussy you try to snag on a nightly basis.

be gone you, before I learn how to do that one mile kill-shot.

"She says she doesn't want to hurt me - that's what happens in love and war, people get hurt..if they didn't there wouldn't be anything to die for"

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