Wednesday, January 26, 2011

I Fucked Up

being too open minded..
...can get you in a lot of trouble

sometimes I wish I could just be normal

I had this song pop into my head earlier tonight - in between We R Who We R - and the foreshadowing could not be creepier. Isn't it funny how things work out like that, I can't remember the last time I heard the song played, yet BAM, out of nowhere, with no provocation, it was out...made me wonder.

I cried tonight, wait that's past tense, I've been crying tonight. I got caught in a bad situation and I said something that wasn't true..I guess I now see why people do it...fear. I felt horrible, well I do now, but at the time it seemed appropriate. I corrected the mistake, but it wasn't right of me regardless.

Am I a horrible person? I keep asking myself this question. I've asked several friends this question after tonight's events. People who know me, know me. I feel if anybody else who decided to cast judgment without getting all the details would think so. I talked about perception being reality in the last blog, well here it is again. I've never cared about what people think of me, but then again, right now at least, I do.

I didn't lie about who I was, I am all those things I said. I listed paper-facts to go against the paper-facts defense. It seemed right, fight fire with fire. Try to establish character...and even though it was the truth, it wasn't bought. I was told straight that they didn't believe me. Sure that person has no reason to believe me, I am slighted by the fact still....

because I know better, people who know me know better, it's the situational fact of the matter. I am more than what it I understand Black Like Me. I'm complex, I'm different, I'm some sort of sick novelty for people. Anybody else in the same situations I get myself in and they're a goner, if they even get that far...but life is just stupid

I'd write a book if..I...could..write. But I suppose that's why I blog, people live vicariously through they don't have to make the mistakes I've made...though I don't call them mistakes (well, not most of them). And most times I don't "learn lessons", I'd do it again, that's life.

I got in trouble because I let my heart do the thinking...and on paper, the situation is not good, in actuality, living it, it makes sense. I understand all sides of the argument, I'm not complaining, my actions got me here, I knew what I was getting myself involved in...being aware of the situation yet still doing it I suppose some would call crazy.

I leave in 20 days, 18 for real life events, but 20 and I'm on the plane...that's less than a month...less than three weeks...that's my reality I should be focusing on, but I can't, I haven't been able to. I'm not procrastinating putting it off, I just have other things on my mind. What was going to be the hardest thing about going to boot was missing her, now I get to start that experience earlier..without people yelling in my face while doing push-ups til I puke.

There's nothing I can do about this situation, and because I have no control over anything, I feel like I've lost control..having no control, no input, no anything is scary - that's the same reason I hate roller coasters, riding bitch on motorcycle, or even the passenger of a car...I can't control it, I don't feel comfortable.

That's where I'm at right now...I have no control whatsoever and I am not ok with that..I want to fight, I want to talk, I want to do this and that...but I can't...I'm not one to sit idly by, I'm a doer, a go-getter..I make things happen..I feel restless letting things happen around me..but this's all I can do.

I fucked it all up, I've made my bed and shat in it I'm supposed to lay in it...awesome.

I know you're not reading this, but I love you, and I'm sorry.

"Your mom said you cried in your sleep last night.."

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