Thursday, January 06, 2011

It's Late

Never is too late..
unless that's what you want

so then there can't be this saying

I just watched a movie..and i probably shouldn't have done that - not because it's 2am and i have to be at work in..4 hours....but because of the movie itself. I have enough shit going on that I really didn't need to deal with that...I would have been better off reading Nausea.

I'm not tired..I don't even know what to do right now...i suppose I'll pack


people come and go from our lives all the time. Every now and then I like to look through old facebook messages, emails, etc..not necessarily for the content, but to see who they were from. It's funny how many people i can remember - before the facebook years - although their names are not there in my mind, their footsteps are.

I sometimes wish i could remember their names, look them up on FB, maybe friend them..see how they are doing..but what the fuck good is that, honestly. These people made an impression (all people make an impression, it just varies), but now they are gone...they won't be back, they aren't coming back...and for people like me, people hoarders, it's difficult.

I don't like to throw things away, my mother was a pack-rat and so am i...though I believe I am not nearly as a cluttered mess as my mother. Every once in awhile I'll come to my senses and throw some junk away - only to have it bite me in the ass later when I go looking for it because I finally need it.

Case in point: I was wanting to give a certain girl a t-shirt that I owned. I loved this shirt, obviously because I bought it, but it didn't fit me like I wanted it to. I held onto it because I knew one day, one day, I'd meet a girl that had a sense of style that was particular for this shirt. I ever let go of it in hopes of one day meeting this girl.

but apparently I did let go, of the shirt, and the dreams. And now as I sit here, i'm clueless holding these puzzle pieces made out of nothing.

i guess what it comes down to is, i've never been able to appreciate it's entirety. i love my car, but i don't know the intricacies of it..I've always wanted to break down every little item around me, but I want to do it naturally..I hate having to force things. I just want to appreciate things without being told to do so. To see things for more than face value..i suppose i can only do that in women.

sometimes i miss the women that were once apart of my life, other times i get upset at them for making me who i am today - for fucking me up early on, resulting in all the misfortunes and broken hearts to follow...causing all the pain and turmoil..the fears..the unwillingness to open love too soon...

you wanna know why i'm such a prick, why i've fucked you over, why i've made you cry...look at yourself in the god damned mirror and you'll see the reason..maybe not me personally, but the reason why some other guy is fucked up.

sure it's a two way street, but this is my time to talk, get back in the fucking kitchen.

sorry, that was Madmen speaking there...i started Season 1 today in light of the party I will be attending tomorrow. It's alright I guess, I finished the first disc...I don't particularly like hour long shows - except for MacGyver - but what can ya do

all this has gotten me nowhere..

"you're wife and your lawyer are drowning, you have to make a decision- catch a game or go to the movies"

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