Thursday, January 27, 2011

Sleepless Nights

painful mornings..
..and a dark tomorrow

I hate feeling, this feeling.

And for the third night in a row I did something I hardly do but once a blue moon, I wept. I actually can't recall the last time I cried - actually in November when I thought things were ending (and it was November) but before that....yeah, I got nothing.

When I think about her and how she's doing, my best guess is that she is doing fine - maybe not great like before - but what I loved about her so much was how strong and independent she was. Yes she's suffering the wrath of the punishment...losing the DB, the FB, the phone...all those little freedoms that make life harder on anyone trying to live in the world around them. Sometimes people do not see just how extreme and cruel some punishments may be.

Take my parents for example. Whenever I got in trouble, they would take away my car - let me explain how ridiculous that really was. So for starters I bought my car, I paid for my car in full, I paid for the gas that went into the car, I paid for the insurance that insured me on that car, I paid for the title, the plates, the registration, the tickets I got...even the parts that went into it...what I didn't pay for, was my step-dads labor into fixing it every now and then...So this in itself is beyond comprehension as to how/why they could take the car away from me...oh yeah, and as for paying for all those things, I had a job..which I got to by driving myself to work...and as for school, I had to take the bus..

These "liberties" or "freedoms" I had by having my car were all taken away..and the hardships to follow, the things that allowed for those liberties, proved to be a very daunting procedure. Having to get rides from other friends, trying to explain to work why I am late, it made my life harder...and yes, I am aware of the intentions of punishment, but I think the time should fit the crime..

Take my fuck-stick of a father. Raised Catholic, went through a rough stage, tried different religions, found some random kike and got married. She was Orthodox Jew so he adopted that religion- for those of you who may not realize this, those are the group of people that cannot do anything on the, go anywhere, push buttons, whatever. So he had a child, and as that religion dictates, will raise his child in that same manner.

I'm sorry, but raising any child in today's world and prohibiting them from doing any activity on a Saturday is child abuse. No baseball games, no hanging out with friends, no watching the TV or making phone calls, going to the Zoo...oh I know it's the weekend, and you're no longer in school, but that's the law.

That kind of ignorance pisses me off. People have adapted, grown, evolved..why are we stuck in these prehistoric ways? Going again off of the punishment aspect, I just don't see why hurting someone, especially someone growing up, a teenager, whatever, why the parents would hurt them so badly..make them something different.

In highschool it's all about not trying to be different, not standing out, doing that as much as possible, just trying to blend in and go about your then to eliminate all that is like putting a bullseye right on your kid, way to go.

This lady I work with came to me the other night and had some questions...when it comes to technology and the interweb people always find their way over to me. So as it turns out she has been neglecting her children, so to speak, she has not been allowing her teenager girls to get a facebook account. They have been begging and pleading and she won't give in. Why? Because of lack of understanding and knowledge, ignorance, and a mass-media hype that has instilled fear into parents by making them believe everyone on the web is a predator - again the media driven by people who lack the intelligence and knowledge to actually accept changes in society..

I told her she was wrong and horrible for waiting this long, I know, I'm harsh. But then I explained to her about alllll the privacy settings that can be on there, how her kids only accept friends they know, not putting information out there all that standard stuff...but I also explained as to why the kids needed it - going back on my "making people standout like a sore thumb" speech I kinda gave you.

By the time I was through, she was convinced. Later in the week the accounts were setup and the lady told me her children sent their utmost gratitude. Now I am not saying there are not predators out there, that the internet is completely safe, that everyone is as everyone says they are - I'll be the first to chime in with some stories. But I will also praise the benefits of it as well - and like all things, the sweet isn't as sweet without the sour.

I've been meeting people I met online since...2000? and it wasn't until very recently have I encountered any problems with people lying to me. The reason is this, simply...more people online equals more opportunities for things to go amiss. It's simple statistics really...Flip 10 coins and you should have 5 land on heads....but if you flip 100,000 coins, then 50,o00 should land on heads...common sense.

Do I shut myself off from the world because of a few, recent misdealings? Do I condemn the internet as an evil place? Do I hate people and distrust them more than before? Absolutely not...I'm not retarded. I understand there's a risk, higher now than before sure, but with anything there's a risk. I drive my car every day...I could die (more people die in car accidents every year than plane crashes) does that stop me from driving my car? Hell no, does the fact I've been in an accident or had a ticket make me slow down and do the speed limit..again, hell no. And it's not because I'm rebellious or stupid from "not learning from my mistake" it's because I'm not going to be stupid enough to allow myself to live in fear.

The media will project this realm of fear over every aspect of our life..I'm tired of it. Yes, be aware of what's out there, yes take precautionary measures, yes be informed...but don't be stupid. The younger generations are more acceptable of the internet lifestyle because they are growing up with it - older generations fear change and don't understand it, so they naturally fear and will place hate onto it. As the older generations die off you will see a swing in favor of the internet. (same goes for racism and any other discriminatory acts..but that's a whole different subject)

I feel like as if I had a role in the punishment she is being dealt. This adds to my sadness. I know as much as she can hold her own, I also know it's eating her up inside..and I wish I could be there for her. Instead I sit, knowing, rather not knowing..and that it the part that kills me.

Hopefully she is reading this, hopefully the other 'she' is reading this. I'm trying to prove a point and my heart won't let my fingers stop telling the truth. I won't stop, cuz I can't stop.

and she has been orphaned by indifference.

"I'll be fine, and so will you. You're a big boy. You'll live"

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