Monday, January 24, 2011

What's the Fuck

and why

it all started going wrong...

First let me apologize for kinda getting emotionally involved in the last post. It's not like me to allow myself to become apart of the post...normally I write about random topics that were talked about around me, things I notice, or whatever...I try not to let my current situations become the topic, but in my last post I did just that...the latter half was derailed by my current life and took you down a path that I didn't mean to go...and I think I'm about to do it again.

Today didn't have to start out as bad as it did, there was just something in the air I guess. My alarms went off at 9, as I had set them early for today, for whatever reason. Sadly, my mind-despite it being the morning and not functioning-can tell that it's "too soon", and so I'll go back to sleep. I did that this morning. Luckily I awoke only 15 minutes later, but really could not bring myself to get out of bed...I just didn't want to face the day.

But alas, I awoke. It was cold, but not as cold as yesterday..well, only speaking of the for the rest of what I would endure, much colder.

While on break at my favorite nook in P'Bread I encountered my first problems of the day. For starters the internet was slower than normal..and normal is already painfully we are talking dial-up slow. today, simple pages were not even loading. A problem that was resolved on my third hour of my break..leaving only 30 minutes left. Which was about the time I was dealing with my second issue, my car, well cars. This one fagot who fucked me over on an ebay transaction a year ago, still having yet to make it up to me, I contact, in hopes they want to remedy the situation...that's a no-go. They block me from their site and do not allow me to send them messages now...awesome. The other issue is I'm still waiting on a part from Japan that was ordered over 2 month part is, after finally snapping, I make 2, yes two, phone calls and locate the part in the states..they'll have it by thursday. I love doing other people's job for them.

Then it was time for work...I won't get into the details, just know that I was very displeased by the floorplan and layout for the evening. At one point the chef, with whom I like, was asking me why I was so pissed, which got into a 'heated' conversation - not between us, but got me fired up -to the point where I yelled out, "If they are trying to push me out they need to grow a pair and tell me to my face they don't want me to come in, and I fucking won't" Yeah, that pretty much sums it up right there.

Anything and everything was fuel added to my fire as well. One of my friends has been "really wanting to see me" for quite awhile now. Come to think of it, I don't know when the last time we saw each other was, a year? part is, we live in the same city...Now I continue to preach this, I am leaving in X amount of days, if people want to see me before I go, come to me. Give me a time, a date, a place, and I'll do my best to make it so. It doesn't seem that hard...but people keep telling me to come to them. Slap.In.The Face. Think about it..."Oh I really wanna see you, please let's hang out soon...followed by...hey i'm going out with friends meet me here" Look, if I was a priority, we'd be hanging out. People can talk and talk, but cannot support with. Like I've always said, I can tell you I will give you twenty dollars, that I want to give you twenty dollars, but until I give you twenty dollars, it just isn't fucking so. If you want to see me, you're going to come and see me. I got shit going on, yes I know that everybody has shit going on...but I think, in this instance, this scenario, my life changing plans going down in 19 days are a little bigger than you going through your life routine.

I get home and continue a Facebook status comment war I have going on with one of my friends on the alter ego account...I guess the guy was seriously mad or something while I was just joking around (of course) and he makes one last remark to which I try to reply to..uh oh, can't do that...wait..where did his name go..unavailable content..that mother fucker...I was blocked. So I sent a message out to him from my other, real account. Again joking, he again makes the last comment, then blocks me...I know awesome people.

but then, probably the thing I am most upset about, came shortly after know, when it rains, it pours right? I really don't want to get into all the nitty gritty of it, however, I just don't know what to do, about anything anymore.

They say perception is reality..literally what you think to be true is true to you. How you see something is how you see it, the world, whatever. If someone perceives me to be an asshole, then, to them, I am an asshole. Whether it's true to the world or not isn't so much the case, that person, in their world, has made me the character of The Asshole. Now granted, overwhelming opinion can put values back into people and things, sway other's opinions, etc., people can alter their perceptions.

I'm not one to persuade people to think differently of me, and maybe that's a fault of my own, but that's not how I do things. If you hate me from the get-go, fine, that's your own shitty fault for that, maybe I rubbed you the wrong way, wronged you in a past life, whatever..I'm not going to force myself on you (physically or mentally) maybe after time I'll grow on you, maybe I won't, but I'm not going to try and make you think differently of me.

And maybe that's me picking the wrong fight to lay down for, because I mean honestly, I'm a kick ass awesome person, you should want to get to know me. But that does not mean I will not be effected by how you view me, how I make you feel...most of the time I upset people I intend on doing just's when I "innocently" make people feel a certain way that I never intended on, that's when I become upset, let down - by myself. If all I am trying to do is love you, and you think all I like you for is your looks, I'm doing it wrong. and that's when I'll fight...maybe not necessarily fight to change how you feel, but to get to the root of what I'm doing that causes you to feel like that. (Yes I understand people can go bat-shit crazy for a moment and be afraid or feel things that are not really happens, but you can't take this route out in an excuse for how you make someone feel)

I think this is one of my best moments of clarity I've can't force yourself onto people and expect them to can't chase down that crush and constantly throw yourself at them, all this will get you need to address what you are doing that they are perceiving. Like I said, get to the root of the source...don't tell them they are wrong for feeling that, convince them with actions, not words.

All this said, I don't know what I've done wrong..and people can sit and say all day, "it's not you it's me" and I'll still take it to heart. Whatever I did to today to make it so mad at me I do not know. I hate ending on feelings like this, because, as someone else goes to sleep, I stay it's not really an ending at all.

Even when I think I'm at my best, somebody sees me as my worst.

"If I ever say I want to work here again, shoot me in the fucking head - Don' worry, I know you won't be back"

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