Tuesday, July 12, 2011

In the Forecast..

Cloudy minds...
bringing on the helpless haze

and no i'm not gonna start singing in the rain...

There's way too much on my mind to really even try to write a concise blog about one thing..so i give you the hodge podge that is my head right now. I can't even begin to try and wrap my head around one solid thought..everything is spinning a thousand miles a minute..trying to grab onto one of those blurs is seemingly impossible..i'm writing "literary filler", as i call it, to make it appear as if i am actually writing something...absolutely amazing isn't it?

I didn't get any sleep last night, and that's my own fault.. i can never walk away from a situation..i can never let it go til the morn' (or later)..i just can't do that..it's not me, it's not who i am, it's not who i'll ever be. I let my emotions get the best of me, i become fully immersed in whatever situation i found myself in. I allow myself to get all worked up to such extremes it's absolutely ridiculous.

This is probably the only time I ever truly panic. Heavy, increased heart-rate followed by faster breaths..stumbling over words and just repeating those words and phrases that actually do make their way out...any bit of sleepiness no matter how early in the morning seems to vanish and is replaced with bouncing around, trembling, and pacing...lord how i love to pace.

What sucks the most is that the condition only becomes worse as the seconds tick by because the situation is only getting worse...because the seconds are ticking by. I hate fucking up, I hate getting into disagreements, I hate having my feelings and emotions get the best of me..

i hate how my feelings for people can cause me to act like a fool...i don't even know where it comes from...I consider myself to be a pretty smart guy - only because that's what everyone always tells me - but i swear i can do some of the dumbest shit...and 90% of the dumb shit i do is caused by my feelings towards someone else. i get wrapped up in this..state of mind that any and all logic i once had is now gone, out the door...it's like my brain and my heart are in some old western movie and one of them says the classic line "well, this town ain't big enough for the both of us..." - and i don't know what my heart is packing, but my gosh does it always seem to win.

i hate this feeling...i hate most 'feelings', but right now, i feel alone....and not in any control - of course this is coming from the guy who has on countless times up and left everything on a whims.. I think what really brings on all these negative feelings and extreme dislike for everything right now is the loss of life, my life. I hate when a situation arises and i'd have the perfect whatever for it..but it's back in indy, locked up in a storage unit. i hate how everything i used to own, use, play with, etc is locked behind a garage door just sitting there - the metal coffin that houses what was once my life. And it's not just mere possessions in there, it's me..identifying qualifiers of who i am, or was rather...items that made me, me...

it's not materialistic, it's life..and right now i'm holding onto a very small fraction of that...i have no control of what's going on and that also creates issues within my world. i've never been one for structure, or authority, or anything of the sorts..i've always been an individual, done what i've wanted - Now granted, i'm not a law-breaking rebel who rapes, pillages, plunders or whatever let's get that straight - i've just always marched to the beat of a different drummer..my own drummer...

And I know I'm not alone completely..i have friends and family that are supportive, that i can reach out to should i need to (but never do)..why heck, this morning, as lights came on in the squad bay the devil dog to my right, admist rubbing the sleep from his eyes, squinted at me and asked if i got any sleep, to which i replied no, he then went on to say that he overheard me on the phone throughout parts of the night..then asked if everything was ok, if i was ok....other marines have read some of these posts and have inquired about my well being...so i know people care, i'm not trying to say or suggest for a moment that people don't...i'm saying i feel alone, god that doesn't make any sense, but there's no real other way to express it....alone and no control, that's my life

there's just way too much going on for me to try and make sense of any of it..normally i have a grip on most things, but again, i'm losing control in all aspects of my life...i can usually go with not being able to explain one or two things, mainly when it comes to love, but when my entire world is engulfed with questioning..when my entire existence, my conquests, goals, thoughts come under the scrutiny of having doubts and question marks i'm left with nothing to hold onto..the ground from underneath me is slowly giving out and i cannot make sense of my surroundings

is this what drowning feels like...

"I'll run in the rain til I'm breathless, when I'm breathless I'll run til I drop..."

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