Wednesday, October 26, 2011

I'm Losing My God Damned Mind

you heard me..

you know the shit is real when i use the GD...

Ugh, I have Good Day, and I have Bad Days..but the positioning of the scale is shifted from the norm...instead of Good being good, Good is rather Ok...which makes Bad shift as well, from Bad to Fuuuuuuck This Shit....or something like that..I am a visual person as you all know, so of course if I were to do this rant for you in person I would have had a full power point presentation with graphs and shit...

Anyways...As I was saying, I feel like on my good days certain facts don't bother me...i get by, all starts looking up...maybe because that's monday and i just had a nice conversation the night prior...then Wednesday comes along, and in those three days, work has built up, text messages go unanswered, and i'm just counting down the days til....actually...i don't even know what i'm counting..whether it's up or down..i look forward to the weekend, but there's no purpose to the weekend.all that means to me is i don't have to get in trouble at work for two days...and if not that then i'm counting up the days i don't hear from you, but in all actuality, "up" denotes a positive action...this couldn't be further from the truth...

my mind works in a horribly vicious assumes, goes to the extremes, has an imagination on it's own level of intricacies i myself can't even explain. Something as simple as a picture will make my brain go into hyper overdrive, halting my world, and only causing pain there forth.

Example: My ex-girlfriend posts a picture and I go crazy...reason being what she's nothing scandalous but rather a beanie...ok, backstory: A long while ago I was perusing the many pictures she's sent me and I noticed the beanie in one of them...loving girls in hats I asked her about it..she searched for it, wanting to wear it for me, yet could not find it..she never came across it again...i guess until today that is...and in my twisted world, I would think (and here's me over-thinking per usual) that if she were to find said beanie, take picture with said beanie, that she would have sent the picture to me with a caption "look what i found" - I mean, that's something totally legit that happens..i believe i've gotten and sent out similar messages in the past.

Now i don't want to go into the whole argument with you about how she's an ex and so forth..we still talk, we still send pictures, we text/call/ was situational and i'll go more into this some other, for the sake of this argument, treat her like a friend, not a girlfriend.

So at this, i've got nothing - i could point out that i hadn't heard back from her in a couple days from our last text so this would have been an appropriate ice breaker..but i've got's actions, or rather non-actions like this that make me question every single thing..every single written word..everything.

And these are the thoughts that trouble me...sure i tend to over-analyze things, but, it's kinda hard to see things for what they really are when...what they really are is not what you think..

This isn't Hell, it's far's relationship purgatory.

"She wants to fall in love with you but she's afraid of getting hurt, afraid of lies, and afraid she'll end up with only tears in her eyes.”

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