Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Reading Into The Past

old posts..
rekindled feelings..

what was and what will never be

People have a tendency to look back on past events with an brighter outlook...as if somehow they've harnessed the rays from the sun into a flashlight as their peer back into the shadows of the past...even some of the worst moments hardly seem as bad.

Somehow I got back into posts from afar and couldn't help but smile. Even though i cursed more than twenty times a blog, even at times using that loveable phrase of "fuck off and die" - apparently it was the theme for a month back in '06 - it still brought joy to me.

And it was the events, the memories, and heck, even the writing that gave me those warm fuzzies. Why is it, especially with the writing, that I feel as if back then i could create something good, yet now I dribble on and on about crap...no real style or creativity to the writing..just rambling on without some ironic epiphanic wording or phrase that makes your reading eyes orgasm.

I want to write more than just a re-telling of my story. I want to be able to express myself better with words..bah, even that statement could be re-wrote to sound better. I try to write little short stories or poems and it just doesn't bode well with me...I spend too much time and effort into creating something..then recalibrating it..adjusting it..re-wording it..destroying it. I'm always trying to create something so brilliant it will blow your mind, always trying to add such little intricacies into everything such as "ooohhh he used six syllables in every line" "the third letter of every fifth sentence spells out whom he is writing about"

I do those types of things because those are the things that get me off, those are the things that get me..sure there's words and meaning, but if you can pull off some mathematical craziness in the process, if there's a deeper meaning or a secret the author hid in the work, that makes me happy to know. It's like the inside joke of writing..maybe only writer wrote it for just one person..who knows, but it's special..and i want to write like that.

maybe it just takes some practice...maybe my writing now is just as good as my writing back three years ago..maybe I need to keeping writing now to hone in on this skill, to improve upon it, to maybe someday write that book that everybody keeps asking for...

funny because in my dedication page it will list everyone who refuses my existence.

"Crap...I don't remember what I forgot..."

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