Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Bitch/Shut Up

some people..

just need to know when to..

if you're wondering if i'm doing alright, i'm not. I don't feel so much like do this, let alone anything at the moment, but I'm getting behind. I almost wrote up a blog last night, and I'm glad I didn't. I'm also glad for something else, but we'll get to that in a minute.

Last night was really bad for me - in all actuality it was an accumulation of the weekend with a short hiccup of positivity on Christmas that left me in the sad state I was in last night. Normally I can do a pretty good job of holding back on those emotions, but last night was one of those rare exceptions.

I was in a state of vulnerability, crying, and about to venture down the rabbit hole of my life with anyone that would have listened..let's just say it was really bad..

I'm also thankful for living on the west coast, though i find that in itself is a double edged sword. I make my calls to friends, and they all happen to be in a time that's three hours ahead - lucky for the both of us really. As much as I need someone to talk to, as much as I just want a shoulder to cry on..I don't..as I mentioned before, I don't want to go that far down the rabbit hole..I don't want to let people in on that side of me, the details, the reality of things...

I did get through to one person however, only because they too are here in Cali, so the midnight calls aren't that extreme. I was reluctant to call this person, I didn't want to bother this person with my troubles, i knew better, i knew they didn't need that, but..tears make you do funny things.

I called and my friend answered, which actually said/meant a lot to me. I played it off cool at first, but we both knew there was a reason for my call..and I started to break down...I would like to say talking helped, but it didn't..i know my friend said that they cared and wanted to listen, but i think once things got heavy they 'had to go' - story of my life.

So nothing was accomplished or resolved...and those emotions are just on a lunch break..soon to strike up again.unless something happens or changes. and lord knows i won't dare get that emo on here..

this blog has been pretty much a waste of space..both your time and my time..honestly i wonder if it would really make a difference if i quit this or not..or anything for that matter..

i knew better than to bother anyone..

"it's not about the odds, it's about believing she represents something…hope"

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