Saturday, January 21, 2012

Secrets Don't Make Friends


hush your crush...

If I've learned anything thus far in life it's that history tends to repeat itself. As much as we try to learn from past events in hopes of not letting things happen again, all too often we fail. I know I've talked about how I will forever be the deleted chapter out of everyone elses lives, and well, here we go again on that topic...

I'm tired of playing the role of "the secret" - I am much greater than that, of this I assure you.....or maybe not given my track record...but regardless, this role has to come to a close, now. I can recall on too many fingers just how often I've been another person's secret...whatever the circumstance allows whether it be because the woman is married, the parents don't like me, the friends don't like me, not the same religion, not the same race, not wealthy enough - it's a position I know all too well.

Growing up I've always believed in what was shown on the TV, people persevering over the odds. The women in these situations would rise up and finally take a stand against their oppressors; placing what mattered to them first, letting the passion shine, not letting anything get in their way on their pursuit to happiness. I found that life does not imitate art.

It never happens like that, at least not for me. The women continue to be ruled over other people's thoughts, and I continue to live in the shadows of their lives. This of course only causes more problems to arise throughout the course of the relationship. It's not fair to either party. It's not fair that the women in these stories have to suffer because of other people disliking another...and it's not fair to me to live like a troll.

One of the last things I would want is to be the resultant of stress onto someone whom I cared about's life. Though not the direct reason for the stress, indirectly causing the stress due from others levying their intolerance onto the woman. And because the newest addition to the mix with all the stress and woes is me, the *not so* easiest solution is to cut me out..

but is that necessary? is that the right thing? whatever happened to people actually standing up for what they believed in...knocking other people down a peg or two...letting them know it's their own lives and to fuck off if they didn't like i the only one yelling this right now?

I'm not only tired of being a dark kept secret, but I'm tired of having people in my life held down by others, which ultimately effects my life. Maybe I'm just sad that I'm not a strong enough reason to break the shackles that tie those down...whatever the case, I'm over being treated like a sheltered and forgotten child that the adopted uncle keeps locked away in a closet, never seeing sunlight...

I'm better than that..and I deserve more than that.

"that's what i'm screaming!"

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