..in with the new
Should old acquaintance be forgot, and never brought to mind ?
Sometimes kids, you realize that the term "best" is more of a time frame than a state of being. When thinking in terms of things or people, those "bests" don't always last. You find yourself soon realizing someone you would have put your whole trust unto has disappeared; their moments of caring ticked away like a clock. I realized this shortly after midnight turning to this year.
You see, the turning over into a New Year means a lot; who you ring the New Year in with kinda sets the tone for how things are going to be, those are the ones that (should) matter most in your life; you kiss that special person with that magical kiss to start the new year like the big bang as fireworks go off all around you. And it's not limited to just those with you, but those with you in heart, who send you the calls, the texts, the little notifications letting you know that they wish to have you apart of their lives in the upcoming year.
I was fortunate enough to celebrate the New Year three times this go around. Being on the West coast does have that advantage(?) I suppose. Around 9pm calls and texts rang in from everyone back in Indy and elsewhere east coast - that's where the majority of my well wishes came from. One hour later my Chicagoans followed suit, however, in a smaller quantity. (Freakin' time travelers...)
It was right after that I made my way into my New Year celebration destination, and it would be shortly thereafter I would discover what is and what should never be, but more on that later.
When midnight hit here in Cali, there were no massive amounts of texts or calls - by then the majority of those I know had already hit the hay..and of course, it got me thinking.
...that people really take me for granted. That I'm some sort of dispensable novelty with an expiration date. And I'm not talking about everyday nobodies - though, I'm sure even to them I'm something much more than you ((you as in not the reader because obviously you are reading and therefore care, but I couldn't say them because it would have gotten confusing)) ever made me out to be) - I'm talking about those who have claimed I've made a difference in their lives, that I mattered, that I was something special, something great..someone they said those three magical words to...ily
I thought back to a couple days earlier when I was having a rough patch and as I finally made that effort to talk to someone, I was discarded..without so much as an attempt for a follow up call later in the week. Or how about not too long before that when I finally opened up with the real truth to someone, someone who stated they weren't going anywhere, and was erased from existence.
If people really don't care now, what is there to say that they cared then either. In a lot of instances nothing changed, the dynamics of emotion and caring were still present, at least maybe on my end. No matter what or how it all went wrong, that doesn't change how I feel; so why should it for them? Is it wrong of me to be a man of convictions, and if my mouth breathes the words that the actions have already occurred in my heart. I can't take back caring for someone when they were a significant part of my life. I understand people part ways or go on with their own lives, but to stop caring altogether?
It was in those moments as I stood on the rooftop patio, cell phone in hand, vodka tonic in the other, that suddenly..i stopped caring too.
Just because someone tells you they care, they love you, they want to be there for you...it doesn't change anything about who they are. It's the same as if someone were to play classical music while they raped you...it may sound nice, but their actions are tragic. And you can try to hold onto that speaker of words as long as you want, hoping to drown out the real pain..but in the end you realize you can't polish a turd, and that some people are just shit.
You see, sometimes the best resolution is that you just need a little start in order to stop.