Thursday, January 26, 2012

Well Lookie Here

I guess I was wrong..
i was caught...

apparently i do tell a lie...

When it comes to talking about things, I'm known to never hold back - no topic ever seems too off the wall or controversial for me to take on. No issue has ever been too personal, from telling about my testicle surgery to some other embarrassing moment from my childhood, i'll discuss anything...I'm an open book. But then again, amidst all the talking about everything else there are only a handful of things I don't talk about so openly, and will more than likely avoid at all costs. One particular topic is, me.

"How are you doing?" A question we all ask in daily conversation, or at least some variation of it. When posed with this question more than likely I'll hand out an auto-response ranging from "meh" to "alright" - and then probably go into elaborate detail getting completely off topic. A distraction method that always works 99% of the time.

The topic of how I'm really feeling, what's really going on in my world, my mind, my whatever is such a scary private matter that I hardly ever want to address it. I can express many emotions, I wear my heart on my sleeve, I'll tell people when I'm upset, I'll scream things from rooftops...but when it comes to talking about me and feeling sad, forget about it.

Granted there are occasions that I'll open up - rare, rare occasions...usually involving alcohol or hitting absolute rock bottom or a combination of the both. I know I got that way around Christmas time this last year, it wasn't good.

Should those stars align and you get that call from me (possibly crying), know that shit has just got real..this is probably you're one and only actually gateway and insight into my mind...all those bottled up feelings and emotions have burst free and are on a one way trip out my mouth. please do me the advanced favor and take care of me in that time of need.

Then again I say take care of me as if you actually care - caring as indicated that you're actually there for me and won't in mid-breakdown decide that it's getting late and you have to get going...caring as indicated that even should you be as cold hearted as that you'll check back up the next day or so..caring as if when you finally do decide to "check up" two weeks later you start the conversation off with "i only have two everything ok?"

If you only have two minutes, you don't have enough time for me to tell you anything..let alone get a sentence or two out...So when you ask me "is everything ok?" and I give you a response, know that it's a lie.

I lie because I don't matter anymore, so it doesn't either. The in-genuine random front of caring to earn back karma points, to help ease your own conscience of the wrongs that took place can come to a stop. I'm letting you know your community service is over...because I'm not a fucking charity case. If you cared you'd make the effort...but I knew better, so I hope you understand when I say I'm alright.

I never lied when I cared, but I did as soon as you stopped.

"Me-I'm good..
G - Are you lying?
Me - I'm good.."

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