Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Guilty Filthy Seoul

if you're not first,
you're last

The trouble with Firsts.

Everybody wants to be first: First place, first commenter, first to fill in the blank. But what a lot of people forget is what actually goes into being a first, how it's equally as good as it is bad.

Everybody knows who the first man to walk on the moon was. Everybody also knows that the first words spoke from the first man on the moon were botched - NASA claims a transmission error, whatever. But who was the third..fourth, or seventh person?

Being a first is a big deal, and it seems like once that is accomplished, it opens the door for a flood of others to do that same without praise, recognition, or even regret.

Let's go in a different direction; sex. People will remember their first kiss, or their first sexual experiences, etc…it holds so much weight because that person was the first person to do something with you that you've never done before, maybe you've waited for, maybe something you thought you were waiting for.

Ugh, I'd hate to kiss and tell, but just follow me on this one for the sake of the plot here….My last girlfriend and I experienced a lot of "firsts" together, well, she was the one with the firsts really, but we shared them together..let's not get technical here. Anyway..I remember the first time we did things more than just kissing, it scared here a little, naturally. I remember she freaked out in a sense because she allowed herself to do certain things. I recall her saying things such as "this is so not me" - and yes, those statements were true, up to that point.

It's hard to accept the reality of when something like that happens - when you've told yourself you're going to be a "good little person and refrain from certain activities." And after many years of a brainwashed resistance, when those walls come down, well, your mind goes into panic mode.

Every word you ever cursed at others who engaged in what you just did you are now calling yourself. It's a mindfuck that makes you hate the situation and the person with you..and understandably so. When you go all your life saying "you'll wait till marriage for X" and then that suddenly isn't a reality anymore your world gets turned upside down.

Now don't misquote me here, I'm not saying by any means that it's wrong to have these strong morals and convictions in life, on the contrary. What I'm saying is, no matter what, there's always going to be that don't hate the person put in that situation..

Somebody would have eventually walked on the moon, somebody eventually would have sliced bread, and somebody eventually would have put their fingers or dick inside of you…it's just the shock that overwhelms you

Sometimes being a first in that respect is like the first person to wear their hat backwards, or color their hair, or wear parachute pants, or any other ridiculous fashion statement…people see that first person doing it and ridicule them…but then before you know, everyone is doing it. And that first person had to go through a lot of shit doing something that's now common place…

Now being myself in that situation is a little difficult. Here you are, respecting someone - their beliefs and their desires - you're trying to fulfill so much, make them happy, and then they direct you it's ok to do are hesitant, you question, you can only do so much..And so then the aftermath comes and you're being questioned for your actions like you never cared. That maybe you're compromising their beliefs because you can't say no…well when someone forces your hand down their pants it's kinda hard to say "nah, you really don't want this…"

Needless to say, that girlfriend of mine was mature enough to come to her senses and terms with reality. As the initial shock wore off, she realized everything was ok, she wasn't a horrible person (and neither was I), she was at peace with the situation, and we resumed being a happy couple being together.

I think more people need to watch the movie Kinsey - the only reason I say watch the movie vice go do your own research on the guy is because I know people have short attention spans and won't go and read…despite the inaccuracies of the movie - anyway, I can barely remember the movie in its entirety, I think the ending is where it got off track from the true story..but what stood out in my mind was the beginning…Kinsey's childhood..which is what drove him to his lifelong career of sexual studies. I won't ruin it for you but it really paints a picture of just what harm closed minded fanatics actually cause and to what lengths their ignorance can go.

Being a first can suck and that's the risk you take..but someone's gotta do it, eventually…people should be so lucky they had me.

"X-Static Process = Madonna"

No comments: