Sunday, February 26, 2012

Hole in Your Seoul

The girls I've dated..
where are they now…

the stats don't lie

I had an interesting text conversation last night..and if I were to go off into one of my angry rants like I typically would, it would be obvious to the person whom I was talking about..among other things..that so much isn't the bother as the fact I had been holing off on a blog that..not necessarily foreshadowed things, but maybe it would have done just that.

Anyway, let's just go with it…

In the past I know I've pointed out how my exes have certain tendencies. Maybe I've mentioned little things in conversation..maybe I've hinted to things in blogs, but I don't think I've ever directly come out and made my allegations/theories/whatever out with a documented timestamp for all to see..let's begin.

The one that I'll reference the most is the "Next Guy Postulate" - which basically states the correlation of the breakup with me and the next guy said ex-girlfriend starts dating will be the one she gets engaged/married too (engage is stated because on several occasions the engagement did not make it to the married state so for statistical purposes it is listed as such) ((I think what's even worse is the amount of those guys with the name Jason..but because that's too much of a mind fuck I'd just like to overlook any of those findings..)). That's right, I am the Good Luck Chuck if you will..or as my friend Citron would say..the Ricker(?) (I don't know, she claims there's this movie that has a similar plot as Good Luck Chuck only starring the awesome Paul Rudd…I have to see this for myself…) ANYWAY - I have a pretty staggering percentage of girls that go from me to engaged/married..let's just say it's over the half mark..sadly close to the three quarter mark in fact…if you're not apart of that group, lord only knows what you are doing wrong…

What's even more awesome than that, somewhere in the midst of those statistics there's a name listed twice….twice you say, is this some sort of typo to inflate your stats..sadly, no. In fact she was my first "engaged" stat; after me, she met a guy, and got engaged not too long after that…for whatever reason that relationship ended and years down the road we met up again…only to have her leave me, again, for some other guy, with whom she is now married to..and has a child with. awesome.

The second fun fact I'll bring up almost as frequently as much as the first fact is "Exes Get Ugly Syndrome" or EGUS if you're tracking…This syndrome isn't limited to just getting ugly, but encompasses a much larger issue…fat. Yes Exes Get Fat and Ugly Syndrome…EGF(a)US..Ohhh, of course if you were to ask them what they felt about this, they will ALL admit that they are not the ones that comprise of this stupid accusation…little do they realize.

Come look like a chubby, scenester lesbian…or you could look down and ask where did those Kanckles come from..apparently it's hard maintaining your weight after me…

So if those aren't bad enough, the next one is a personally kicker..and maybe I don't talk about it all that much, maybe because it's insulting to me, but..the guys those ladies choose after me are..gah, what's the word I'm looking for…horrible..a insult to me! You know, if you're going to leave me, the least you could do is find someone better than me..shouldn't be too hard right?

But that's never the case..most are, wait no, ALL are not attractive by any means…not once have I saw one of my exes currents and was like, "well fuck, she did it right this time.." and I'm not the only one to see this. Others, females, have chimed in to say things like "really? Him?.." You ladies pick some of the ugliest and stupidest guys you can find after compromise yourself to be with this next guy..I mean what the fuck…

You have these ugly guys, who you claim are tall yet are shorter than me, who confuse your/you're (among others), who's texts are illegible, who's Asian without an Asian last name, who's IQ you question because they can't keep up in simple conversation, who cheats on you, who goes to jail for dealing illegal drugs, who himself is fat, who becomes forceful/beats with you, who does things-like drugs-that you have been opposed to all your life..these are the types of guys you pick to be with over me

what the fuck is wrong with you?!

it's ok though..I don't stress because I refer back to statistic number two: you're an ugly mess too (or about to be one)

This was not my intended angry rant I spoke of earlier, however, this has been an angry rant by your one and only..or should i say "you're one and only" maybe then you'll like me..

"You should make the update that you're in a relationship with my middle finger..because FUCK YOU!"

No comments: