Thursday, February 09, 2012

Not Sure...

if you really hate me
or you fakely hate me

Not sure where I'm going with this...

I sat down in front of my computer a moment ago in hopes of writing something, I actually had something on my mind too...but all that vanished in an instance once I picked up my phone and made a call. I was surprised to get an answer, as I was typing out a text response as opposed to a voicemail for when the call would be ignored - I was caught off guard when my call was answered.

And as I sit here, but what, five minutes after initially dialing the number, I kinda wished it would have gone to voicemail, the ignore would have been less painful than the indifference I received.

I thought I was doing my part well. I had figured on my own accord to ease up, pull back on the heaviness of the relationship, essentially doing a 180 while still maintaining the bare necessities of a friendship - going from constant texting and calls from the moment either of us woke up, to a text midday (that went ignored, "busy") to a call later in the evening, the one that was answered.

I remember actually telling her I was giving her space while retaining a piece of the friendship, something that I acted like I deserved commendation for or something...but instead of being praised I was kicked down as she said "well obviously not" - I guess she didn't see the merit of my efforts.

And as I was on the ground starting to pick myself back up, more kicks came in...whether it was factual or meant to be a slap in my face she continued to be standoffish, only telling me how wonderful her life was, now, as if the absence of me was like the removal of some dark cloud over her.

she finished by saying she didn't feel like talking to me and ended the call in an abrupt fashion she knows all too well that drives me crazy. Maybe she's trying to get me to hate her, maybe she's trying to...I don't know..I tried calling a friend, I tried to do the right thing, I just don't know where I went wrong.

Should have never called, I would have preferred my last words to be the ones said to her last night.

"alright...i'll just g-"

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