Sunday, May 06, 2012

You Don't Need To Title This

the post i wanna make
is the post i cannot make

so screw it

All this combination of meds and alcohol is starting to take its grips on me, shit right now i see four red squiggly lines...crap. All i will say is, Sailor Jerry (SJ but not the real SJ) and whatever I'm taking do not mix..especially in the afternoon...was it even after noon.i don't think so...

Whatever..the unDEr PRESSure.....the paIn..the everything is weighing dOwn oN me and I'm starting to lash out. It's getting bad, at least today was.

I had been awake since 730, don't ask me for what, I just was. I needed to get my car to the shop so my radiator could be replaced - they opened at 8 so i started to get myself together hoping to be in and out..of course i get there 30 minutes after they open and some other motivated individual has beaten me to the punch. I wait in the lobby with my foot propped up in the opposing chair and start a new book.

Seven chapters and 80 pages later my car is ready, and it's about time because I'm starving. As i make my way back home I figure I better stop somewhere and grab a bit..of course all the meds i need to take with food are back at the house, so it looks like take out is my only option. Since today was cinco de mayo I figured I'd go with the festive flow and get some Taco Bell, that's being multi-cultural right? Get back to my place, dig in, pouring a little SJ into the Dr Pepper I got in my combo meal. I should feel better knowing I have medical personel on hand..

i stop caring. since i can't rely on fucking medical doctors to care about my condition, why should i. and since i don't care, i don't expect anyone else to either.

LAter I somehow find myself at the church down the road, the one i volunteer at, the mission. I hobble along, making conversation with those who spot me, despite my incognito disguise - sunglasses and crutches don't cover the eminence that is me I guess. I make my way from the sun into the dark and dimly lit temple..stumbling along the way to the end...

I kneeled down, slowly, bracing myself like one does going into a pool. Placing my crutches to my left my sunglasses fall back down upon my face, covering my eyes. i leave them there, little did i know that was the right thing to do. i shut my lids and have a conversation with,'s mumbled audibly, so one could overhear it if one were next to me, however, it's mumbles so i doubt anyone could really make it out. I try to ask for strength, for help, but i can't..i just can't. I'm conflicted with so many other things that it'd be selfish to ask for any bit of help, even on this.

I having a dying grandmother, that the doctors don't know what's wrong with her, who has endured a lot - she's beat off cancer once before - She's in the right trying to fight off death while i'm in the left with this..i can only ask that things go well for her. And I pray for my other family members, people in my life, and of course, her. As crazy as I'll be called, I still pray that she's doing ok..that's she's happy, or at least being able to deal with whatever fucked up craziness she's conjured in her head.

All this brings me to tears, which is about the time I thank the glasses for falling onto my face. I slowly compose myself, grab ahold of the crutches to my left and stand up. I hop on down the long aisle, hit by various rays of sunlight emitting through the upper windows, and procede outside.

I think about everyone, think about how i'm systematically pushing everyone out right now. I think about my "chubby" nurse who flocks with the same pigs. How I haven't heard from her in a month now..probably because of something I said, calling her out or what have you..I think about my CBad friend I upset the night prior, never apologizing for the words I said, only saying "ugh" when I found out i hurt her feelings.

I think about my know it all bitch ass 22 year old friend who is currently mad at me..because i called her out, or something along the lines. I hope she's ok as well, though by her lack of calling me I'm to bet that her world is a hot mess - I've realized that during her lapses in communication she goes off the deep end, not contacting me because, as she puts it "i'll judge" - or in other terms, call her out on her bullshit and try to give her real world advice that she obviously doesn't want to hear. I'm the one friend she knows she can count on for that, and most of the time people won't show up on your doorstep until they crash into the bedrock...there like the Catholic version of friends...trying to find repentance a little too late, for me at least.

i go back to the car and continue reading..the irony of reading a booked entitled "God Hates Us All" at the mission..i don't have much else to do with the day, and keeping me away from my home means keeping away from my means, so it works out for everyone. Eventually I sober up and drive home..I don't write this post until much much later, because would have been too much for anyone to read..and i doubt i would have posted it..

So there you have a fraction of the day's thoughts in a few lame words.

"Frankly my dear, I just don't give a damn"

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