Sunday, October 28, 2012

Let Me Catch My Breath

-What's her excuse this time?
-She doesn't need to have one...

she's here and that's all that matters

It's funny how life works operates sometimes.  And I know I've gone off on rants about how it's funny if you think about it, manifest the thoughts out there, how weirdly coincidental ironic those thoughts seem to reach their destinations and get a reply.

I was going to write tonight, no surprise here i am now, but it was on a different fact, probably a pining opposite.  I was in the place where my thoughts steam the mirrors in my head the most..and as those thoughts clouded up every transparent view i may have held in my mind, I decided then to open the door and let it out.

But just as I was to crack open the glass, letting free the feelings, the very thing in which I wanted to write about, wrote to me.  And just like that, the clouds of longing parted, and my heart onward marched.

and the beat went on...just as it has before, always.


Saturday, October 27, 2012

Double, Double



People are not what the seem to be.  At least that what it seems to me.  Lately I've been finding myself at the end of many mouth canons, receiving oral ammunition fired at me.  I've done my best to dodge those bullets, but given the onslaught of muzzle fire, my quick wittedness could only last so long.  And as I lay there dying to believe what's been interjected as a possibility of reality, that my gig was up, and time wasn't on my side...I start deliberating up some sort of change or acceptance.  Then, when they think I've lost sight, I eye their mistake.

There's several ways in which you can classify people:  There's those who play devil's advocate and call out everyone on everything.  I'm amoung those in that select category.   There's those who just take it.  And then there's those who only call people out when actually they are to blame.  This is a fun category.  These people try to play the system to make it seem like they have good intentions, like they are asking the questions to protect themselves, they are not at wrong...and if they are playing the second group it usually works out for them...but the truth is, it's their guilty conscience that manifests all the questions, all the accusations, all the anger.

It's because they know they are doing something wrong, something they wouldn't want done to them; and if they have the ability to do it to someone, what's stopping that someone from doing it right back without their knowledge.  These people are scum.  Not only are they the ones out there actually performing the nefarious acts,  they have the audacity to inculpate the ones who have done no wrong, the ones who have stood there, by their side...

I fucking hate people is what it comes down to.  People are idiots, and all they want to do is turn the tables on you.  Their situation is never called into question, yet every one of yours is.  And even given the chance to try and bring matters of theirs forward, it's turned around and blamed on you, naturally.

I could sit here and preach about how this person did this or that person did what...but I don't have the patience for's saturday, and I want to do things, even if that includes nothing.  Maybe Season Five of Californication was right...maybe sometimes you just have to sit back and not say anything..not counter..not fight...sometimes you just have to take the call

And so this time, the penalty is on me.

"Trying to bite my tongue, but that's more pain than its worth, so I'll just say 'fuck you' and be done"

Saturday, October 20, 2012

H Two Uh Oh.....


one of those things I've never been good at.

Something bad has occurred, something really really bad.  Of course this is in reference to the situation that started back in March/April; for those of you who know about and have been following.  Yes, the situation is still going on, no I haven't heard anything new other than to just keep waiting.  Just keep waiting to get results back I know will further prove I didn't do anything.

Then life says, hold that thought....

This week work sent me to a class/workshop thing to learn about using a new program for our department.  It was a pilot course, but nobody really cares.  The main point is, not being at my normal place of work, I am sans all my stuff; desk full of goodies, snacks, water, etc.  That being said, knowing how thirsty I get on a daily basis, and knowing I wouldn't have access to anything like I normally would during the class, I made a walking out the door decision I'd soon regret...

As I made up my breakfast togo I remembered about the drink situation.  I looked around for any random Powerade bottles I still may be have hiding around; but recalled finishing those but a month after moving in here.  I make my way to the fridge and open the door - it's really awkward for me, I've never been a fan of having the freezer on the bottom.  Once open I scan the contents.  Food items, condiments, some milk, couple pony kegs of some Michigan love, more beer, a bottle of champagne I plan to pop once I get the results back and my name is cleared, fruit....

as my search starts dwindling down, my eyes slide over to a spot tucked away in the corner of the door...bottom shelf, almost hidden for the fact the door doesn't open all the way due to the proportions of the fridge versus the kitchen.   I catch two bottles of water tucked away, for not so obvious reasons I will make known now.  The larger bottle, one litre, is over a year old now, and has been resting in my fridge since an ill-fated day in September.  The night my little drummer girl was supposed to come over, a night that changed things for her.  I suppose I never got rid of that bottle because I could never let go of her; it represents something more; and if I were to remove that from my life, vicariously I'd be removing any possibility, any hope..I'd be removing her, forever...and I obviously don't want that (even given the current situation where that's exactly she wants).

The other bottle, smaller, has been snuggled along that larger bottle, though not as long - it came from a work outing, Family Fun Day; bounce houses, putt-putt, and good times. There were originally two bottles, maybe more but memory serves me to think two placed in my fridge for hydration, that I took home with me from that event.  Maybe another was left in my car or whatever, but two for certain stayed in the fridge.

All that remains is the one, because the other is involved in a conspiracy, a lie..(I really wish I could call it Watergate but that's already been taken...)  You see, the bottle that remains is the sister bottle to the bottle of water I gave a Maker of Shoes, the one whose flavor was flawed, the one I allegedly, though unopened, tampered.

Having no other options I made picked a dumb option;  I took the small bottle with the implication I'd get something from the PX on my break, as this water bottle would quickly disappear....or so I thought.

I make it to class, get settled into my workstation, and before the class even gets underway I crack open the bottle for a drink.  One taste is all it took for my mouth to reject the bottle, pulling my head away and twisting it with confusion to the left.  "What the fuck?" I said aloud, getting the attention of the student on my left.  With his eyes now fixed onto my doings I decide to try again, maybe I just had something in my mouth...but the results were the same.  I'm starting to panic.  I turn and pass the bottle to my left, asking the fellow student to "here, try this" and with no hesitation other than saying why as he puts the bottle up to his mouth, he tries it as well.  "It"

There's nothing more than I want to do at this moment than run out of the classroom and leave...but that will do me no good.  And for the next three and a half hours my mind is not in that classroom, not on the information we are going over, but fixated on that bottle sitting in front of me..and everything it represents.

On my break I go back home where I have another person try the bottle...later that evening two more people try a swig...all stating the same thing, some more in-depth about the flavors, but the consensus stands...there's something wrong with the water.

The confirmation from the last sampler is enough to send my mind spiraling downward.  All these horrible thoughts run through my head, suddenly my unquestionable innocence is showing signs of contest.

If the sister bottle is anything like the bottle she drank, than yes, there's something wrong with it...what, I'm not certain..though I know it didn't make me or anyone else sick for that matter.  Of course I don't have any other bottle to test or have tested, and bringing in an opened bottle to test would cause some concern...

I just want this nightmare to be over..I just wish this would all end and go away...I wish she would talk to this is my only way to talk to her..

Truth is like the can shut it out for a time, but it ain't going away... 

"Last time water was turned into something it was wine, you have nothing to worry about, you're fine..."

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Here We Are Again

all alone..
going down the only road I've ever known..

I'm just wasting all this time

I've stared at this screen for over an hour, maybe longer as it seems to have preoccupied my entire night.  The new post page opened, blank, buried in a tab behind one of the millions of others opened that I scan through over and over, hesitating to return.  I'm left with as much ambition to write as I have answers for the questions that perplex me; why?

It seems as though every time my vehicular life starts picking up momentum, shifting out of those sluggish gears and cruising along, leaving behind a devastated fate behind in the dust..all of a sudden circumstance randomly jerks the wheel, and I am left to be flung from my seat, hurling out of control through the air, no control or understanding as it's happening all too quickly..only to hit the blockage in the road I was once travelling happily down...meeting the pavement one more time.

She once said I had horrible luck, yet she never did anything to help it out.

I'm not sure where what went wrong.  what i did. or what i didn't do.  why everything had to change.  especially when things were so good; to me at least.  She says I did nothing wrong, but that is all she could say, all she would say.  I just don't get how everything in my world could take a complete 180 in the blink of an eye.  For a better part of a month or so I was happy, I was living a good life, I had pretty much everything I've ever wanted.  It was good.  

Then, some occur lively events that don't even involve me, on the contrary, those events if anything would have solidified my existence in her life further...but it didn't work out like all.   It's like your best friend wins tickets to a concert and for whatever reason doesn't invite you.  It just doesn't make any sense to me.

And it never will I suppose...I sit at night and try not to rack my brain over such things, but sometimes it's just impossible.  And to think it was just so easy for you to toss me aside, once again, with no justification, no explanation, no real sense of closure hurts even more.

I wish I could elaborate into more, but there's no sense to it...there's only one person that could make things right, and she's not listening.

"you can't just chop up a former relationship into discrete parts and select the ones you want like some sort of fast-food menu..."