Monday, February 09, 2015

Like A Bandaid

once you start
don't stop

just rip it all at once

Maybe i'm thinking about pringles, "once you pop, you can't stop" either one works i suppose.  back to back posts, that's something we haven't seen in...too lazy to look it up.  Funny thing, I actually typed "too busy" instead of lazy...yeah, even my subconscious wants to make up excuses at this point.

I'm hoping if I type everything out that's in my head, it'll be clear enough for me to sleep.  But the more I type, the more I want to if there's a constant amount of shit that needs to be filled in my head - and anytime one thing departs, another takes it's place.  Like my mind is some sort of weird nightclub where they are at capacity..and people can only get in if other people leave..or if they are on the guestlist...and right now, feelings of selfworth, defeat, and grieve are considered VIPs.

i'm taking on a new role..i'm taking the blame for my situation.  I've always said i am my own undoing, words never rang truer today.  i'm a horrible person - solidified by someone who's opinion of my i hold dear.  i've always wanted to believe in the propaganda that i was a good person..maybe i wanted to believe it more than i wanted others to believe it...maybe it was a front i pushed in hopes of actually becoming something i wasn't...but for the better.

to say i messed up is an understatement.  i knew i messed up, but i kept going, i kept things going, i kept trying and believing....kept trying in making something out of nothing at all...but my supply of air must have run out tonight. that my dirty laundry is being aired out, things can only look up from here, right?

"this is shit, isn't it?"

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